My visit to the International School of Tanganyika in Dar es Salaam

April 13, 2018 / Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

I spent last week working with students, parents and staff at the International School of Tanganyika in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. I really enjoyed my time there. I was warmly welcomed and had interesting conversations with a lot of people.

I appreciated the school’s efforts to farewell each student who leaves, and welcome new students. The primary school has boards with photos of each student arriving and leaving, along with a little information. I loved seeing children’s handwritten notes describing what they would miss. I had conversations with teachers who described different cross cultural issues that arise and ways they are trying to understand and address the individual students involved. I spent time with librarians working hard to make diverse and helpful resources available for children of all ages. I talked with parents who see some of the difficulties that come with the international life their children experience, and are trying hard to understand and support their kids the best they can.

I particularly enjoyed spending an hour with the Tanzanian teachers aides at the primary school. We talked about culture, cross cultural issues, and how this works in a classroom setting. They offered great insights into the cultural differences they notice in the international school setting, and shared stories of ways they have seen young children wrestle with this. I was able to encourage in them the benefit their different cross cultural insights bring to a cross cultural classroom.

This is one of the things I love best about what I do. I love coming alongside – providing encouragement and resources to parents and teachers who are doing their best and trying to do better. I hope to offer comfort abc reassurance to parents who feel weighed down by guilt that they aren’t getting it right, or that they have burdened their children with the negative aspects of international life. Yes, there are difficulties, but that doesn’t mean it’s all bad! As children grow and learn to integrate their experiences, to appreciate the good without ignoring the bad, the vast majority sure thankful for what they gained through a less ordinary upbringing.

I also love spending time with young CCKs – hearing their stories and giving them tools for the journey they’re on. I always feel the weight of their stories – what a privilege it is when a young person shares with me something that matters to them.

I spent time with all the grade 4-10 students at IST, each group doing one of three workshops I offer on storytelling, transition, and grief. In each group, through different questions, I was privileged to hear dozens of stories of these young people’s experiences with change, loss, and identity. Different groups reacted strongly to different prompts. One 8th grade group had a long discussion (almost a debate, back and forth) or whether it’s harder to say goodbye or say hello. Lots of groups really engaged with the question: “have you ever been unable to say goodbye to someone?” Stories poured out of them – about friends leaving without warning, of relatives or close family friends passing away in a different country, of thinking they had more time. One 5th grader spoke about a friend who left in kindergarten and how he never found out what happened.

These stories mark our kids. The regular loss of friends is part of the pattern of life they learn through childhood.

Rainbows and rivers by 7th grade students

Hearing pieces of their stories through drawings and poems was another highlight. They brought different countries and languages and loves together into colourful rainbows, unique rivers, and evocative poetry. I’m always surprised at the depth of insight that can come from seemingly simple exercises. It was a delight to see these windows into their experiences. To hear a single poem with different verses written in different languages – the appropriate language for each place that is part of “home”. To watch children read with delight a poem in a mother tongue they rarely get to share with their classmates – and then watch them receive a warm round of applause. No one understood the words, but they all recognised their significance.

Rainbows and hearts by 4th grade students

As I said, I’ve really enjoyed my time here. I’m still travelling and visiting schools, so stay tuned for more thoughts after I’m back in Beijing!

Recommended reading: April 9th, 2018

April 9, 2018April 9, 2018 / Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

Now that I’m getting back into the swing of thinking and writing in the TCK/expat space, I’m also doing more reading around the internets. Here’s some of the best stuff I’ve read lately.

Alone in a Crowd (Again) — The Second Wave of Expat Isolation
The Culture Blend
Such an important post by the always great Jerry Jones. I’ve seen this pattern in my own expat life and in so many friends’ experiences. There’s great advice here for the expat who feels alone after all their friends have left. Again. “The inevitable cycles of a cross-cultural life naturally bring seasons of deep connection and unexpected isolation — if you’re feeling stuck in that — try something unnatural. Intentionality moves the needle.”

Unresolved Grief – Hidden Losses of a Third Culture Kid
Jezmeralda
Poignant reflections on the hidden griefs that come with international life, especially as a child. “My lifestyle brings the wildest opportunities; nonetheless, unresolved grief has been one of my main challenges along the way.” I particularly appreciate that she addresses the difficulty of processing grief when “there are no recognized ways to mourn these hidden losses – primarily because most people don’t see them.”

Taking the Hypocrisy out of Home Ministry Assignment
A Life Overseas
This is an important discussion for the mission world, by fantastic MK advocate Michéle Phoenix. She tackles the pressure many missionaries feel to present a perfect face when visiting on home assignment – and the negative consequences this has for their TCKs.

An Overseas Assignment: Are You Doing the Right Thing By Your Kids?
Globally Grounded
Great piece by Jane Barron from Globally Grounded discussing lessons she’s learned from various greats as well as her own experience. She goes through three important things for expat parents to know/do in order to strengthen their families. The short answer to the titular question is that creating a strong family is what is best for your kids, wherever you are. A strong and healthy family unit who communicate well support kids through the difficulties of life – whether at home or abroad.

The Other Expats: Chukwudi Barrah – Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
The Black Expat
Great interview with Nigerian expat Chukwudi Barrah in Malaysia, who started a platform for the “Other Expats”. I really appreciated his insights, and saw similarities with things African friends have experienced in China. It’s a good read, and always so important to remember that there are many different expat experiences out there.

The Hierarchy of World Language – My experiences from the expat trail
And Then We Moved To
An old post, but new to me. Linguistics is one of my fascination topics, and I love this post from the perspective of a multilingual expat family and how EIGHT different languages are part of their shared global experience. Mariam mentions the “majority language outside, minority language inside” rule which I’ve come across in other multilingual families and find a really helpful tool. She also learned German in a direct method classroom (where only the target language is spoken) which is something I found daunting but extremely when helpful learning Mandarin in China.

Even if you’ve forgotten the language you spoke as a child, it still stays with you
Quartz
Another post on language, this time from a few months back. The piece talks about first language attrition – losing full command of your mother tongue. The discussion ranges from the emotional consequences, to what’s happening in the brain, and the journey to recapture a language you were once fluent in.

Amphibians, Chameleons, and Cross Cultural Kids
Communicating Across Boundaries
A lovely little piece by the ever wonderful Marilyn Gardner, reflecting on “amphibians” and cross cultural kids: “Cross cultural kids can be active negotiators – taking both sides of a story and finding space for agreement. It can be a lonely space, but it’s a vital one.”

How knowledge about different cultures is shaking the foundations of psychology
The Conversation
Interesting piece pointing out the impact of culture on psychological studies, and our understanding of human psychology. “Clearly culture has a massive effect on how we view ourselves and how we are perceived by others… The question is to what extent it will inform psychology as a discipline going forward – some see it as an extra dimension of it while others view it as an integral and central part of theory making.”

The problem of picking prestigious universities

April 4, 2018June 13, 2019 / Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

I shared a Time article on the Misunderstood facebook page last week, and decided it was worth taking time to write about why I think this is so important for TCKs.

It has a bold headline: “It’s time to tell your kids it doesn’t matter where they go to college“. Author William Stixrud makes the excellent point that there are many paths to success, and that telling kids this does not mean they will slack off.

The problem with the stories we’re telling our kids is that they foster fear and competition. This false paradigm affects high-achieving kids, for whom a rigid view of the path to success creates unnecessary anxiety, and low-achieving kids, many of whom conclude at a young age that they will never be successful, and adopt a “why try at all?” attitude. Many of these young people engage in one of the most debilitating forms of self-talk, telling themselves either, “I have to, but I can’t,” or “I have to, but I hate it.”

In Misunderstood I included sections about pressure to excel and fear of failure – two related attitudes that came up in many of the interviews I conducted with TCKs worldwide. I referred to the work of psychology professor Martin Covington. He describes four common attitudes toward success and failure which students commonly exhibit: success-oriented, failure-avoidant, failure-accepting, and overstrivers. The above quote seems to describe failure-accepting and overstriver students.

The “overstriver” attitude was overrepresented in the TCKs I interviewed. Overstrivers are motivated by fear – that one failure will be the end of everything. This attitude means a string of successes becomes a weight, rather than an encouragement. The more they succeed, the more they must work to ensure they keep up this standard.

The decision of where to attend university feels overwhelming for many TCKs; they feel their whole future hangs on this decision, and they don’t want to get it wrong. But there are many paths to success – and almost all involve failures along the way. That’s how we learn!

Giving TCKs a realistic picture of an the post-high all options available to them is very beneficial – but rare. Instead, most get the sense that they must get into the most objectively prestigious college possible. Different communities (and families) may have different ideas of what is considered prestigious (certain countries, certain religious connections, etc.) but students have an inherent sense of where they ‘should’ go. A 17 year old TCK I interviewed expressed it this way:

I watched my sister drawn to big name schools as she graduated. All her friends went to Yale, Pepperdine and NYU, but she got a wonderful scholarship to a wonderful school which nobody had ever heard of in Qatar. She felt as if she was letting herself down by going to this lesser known school even though she fell in love with it. I am experiencing this now as I formulate my list of colleges to apply to. I have found myself with an elitist mindset when picking schools.

Misunderstood, page 285

This mentality drives students to look for schools which others will approve of, rather than schools that will best fit their individual needs and desires. This is an extension of a common childhood experience. Many TCKs grow up driven by the need to do what makes others happy, often at the expense of learning what they themselves truly feel and want.

Honestly, I’m not sure it’s a right/wrong sort of decision. No matter what choice they make there will be opportunities to learn and to grow as a person. And they can always change majors, courses, and even schools later on. Many do just that!

To break this cycle, it is important for parents, teachers, and other adults in TCKs’ lives, to clearly articulate that there are many good choices available to them. That they will find a way to forward later no matter what path they take now. That they will be loved no matter what they choose. That it is their character that makes us proud, not merely their accomplishments.

Or, as William Stixrud says, : “It’s time to tell your kids it doesn’t matter where they go to college“.

Click here to read more posts about Third Culture Kids, transition, and expatriate experiences.

One thing expat parents can do to help their TCKs

March 27, 2018March 27, 2018 / Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

The last year has been crazy for me – a mountain of life direction changes and seemingly endless overlapping transitions. But more on that another time.

After all this, I’m finally starting to get my head back into the TCK space. To stretch my writing muscles and, to mix my metaphors, get the engine turning over.

Last week I wrote a guest post for mission blog A Life Overseas. I really appreciate what they do, and that much of their content is helpful for expats generally (and those who support them) rather than just missionaries. I’m planning to do a few guest posts a year for them.

My most recent post was titled “Making home an emotional oasis for your TCKs”. It was inspired by one of the questions I hear most often: “what one thing would you recommend parents do to help their TCKs?”

I suppose it should come as no surprise that the question I’m most asked is a request for a summary!

The short answer is that parents can do something no one else can: make home a safe space where TCKs can express all their cross-cultural influences: their languages, loves, and confusions. This isn’t easy, but it’s powerful – both for TCKs and also for their parents.

Read the full article on A Life Overseas:

Making home an emotional oasis for your TCKs

Living in between countries

August 5, 2016February 16, 2022 / Tanya Crossman / 4 Comments

An updated version of this post has been published on tanyacrossman.com

Part of the Third Culture Kid experience is living “in between”. 62% of young TCKs I surveyed (those under age 30) said that feeling “in between” was a significant childhood experience. There are several ways in which TCKs live “in between”. In this post I will explore ways in which TCKs live in between countries.

This is easily understood on the surface. A TCK is a citizen of one country, but lives in another. (Or is a citizen of multiple countries, or has lived in multiple other countries.) The complexity comes in how the TCK feels about and relates to these countries – never being completely and comprehensively in any one of them.

Connected to the passport country
A TCK has a relationship with his passport country – he has a legal connection to the place which issues his passport. Often it is also the place where many family members and family friends live permanently. For many expat families the passport country is a “home base,” somewhere they frequently visit. Many TCKs also feel they “represent” their passport country while abroad – that people meeting TCKs overseas get an impression of their passport countries through them.

Connected to the host country
Many TCKs also feel that they “represent” their host countries while travelling. Sometimes people see them as the “expert” on that country (and language/culture) regardless of how immersed the TCK was – or wasn’t! In this situation a TCK may feel pressure to live up to these expectations. Other times people ignore or don’t recognise the TCK’s connection to the host country/culture. In this case, TCKs may feel pressure to promote the places they feel connected to.

In between countries
The reality is that most TCKs do not identify entirely with one country – they are influenced by, and attached to, multiple countries at once. The passport country may be where they are “from” and yet they may have spent far more time outside it than inside it. 58% of the 744 TCKs I surveyed for Misunderstood spent more than half their childhood years outside their passport countries; 30% spent less than three years there.

While a TCK may know she is a “foreigner” in her host country, she may feel even more “foreign” when visiting her passport country. In both scenarios the TCK is not quite 100% “from” the country in question. In both places the TCK is like a cultural ambassador for the other place.

Individual experiences
Every TCK is different – they have unique life journeys. Not all TCKs feel they are (or are expected to be) ambassadors of the countries to which they are connected. But the common experience of the Third Culture is that a TCK is connected to multiple places; in every TCK there is an aspect of being “in between” these countries. These connections make the TCK’s experience of the world different to that of a monocultural kid (one who spent their entire childhood connected to a single country).

Acceptance of the “in between” experience
There is nothing wrong with being a TCK; in fact, only 2% of the TCKs I surveyed said they would take back their international experience if they could. Connection to multiple places isn’t “bad” – but it is different. This means that there is an unspoken bond between TCKs – they understand, with no explanation needed, what it means to live in between countries.

This brings me to something anyone can do to build deeper friendships with TCKs: accept that a TCK has these additional country connections, even if you don’t fully understand how it works. No matter who you are, there is comfort in being with people who simply believe you, accept you, and desire to better understand you.