TCK

More videos for you!

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

I have continued to create videos which I’m sharing on youtube. All videos I’ve posted have accurate English subtitles available (not just the youtube auto-subtitles feature). I hope this helps my audience better sift through my fast Australian accent! Here’s a rundown of what I’ve posted so far. (Clicking on any of the images below will take you to that video on youtube.)

I started by explaining a little of the medical/neurological reasons behind my switch from blogging to vlogging – speaking instead of writing. I talk a little about how I got my concussion, and what the eight months since have been like.

My_PCS_experience_thumb

Next, I explain the concept of “Third Culture Kids” – what it means, why it matters, and how growing up overseas impacts a person. Watch the video to hear more!

What_is_a_TCK_thumb

Next up, I tackled two questions I hear a LOT, both online and in person – how did I end up doing this work, and am I a TCK myself? Neither have simple answers. In short, I fell into this field accidentally, and while I’m technically a TCK I feel more like an Australian who had a TCK experience as a teenager. To hear the stories behind those odd answers, check out the video!

My TCK experience, and how I started working with TCKs_thumb

Next up was the start of something I’m really excited about: my first video book review! I’m planning to gradually introduce my audience to more of the resources on my bookshelf, reading excerpts from them aloud, and talking a bit about why I love them. First up is my number one recommendation for empty-nest expat parents, a raw and authentic journey through supporting both young adult children and aging parents, while also planning for your own future. On top of the personal stories of two women navigating this journey together (from different parts of the globe) are helpful insights from experts in different fields.

monday morning emails_thumb

I finally agreed to talk a bit about my experience living in China through covid-19, after a month of restrictions, cancellations, and confusion. I felt awkward talking about the ways I’ve been impacted as for me it is really just inconveniences to deal with, and I have the privilege to leave should I want to. For others, there is so much genuine fear, worry for family and friends. Yet others are dealing with disease and death among their friends and family. But I’ve been asked to share my story many times, so with the knowledge of my privilege front-and-centre, here’s a peek at life under covid-19 restrictions in Beijing.

Beijing during covid-19_thumb

My latest video is another book review. This time it’s my number one recommendation for TCKs themselves to read – a great book full of fun stories and prompts for self-reflection and personal growth. Suitable for TCKs as young as 6th or 7th grade (if they’re open to self-examination) and very valuable for high school and college-aged TCKs.

arrivals departures and the adventures in between_thumb

And that’s it for now! There will be more coming soon, and I hope to return to short blog posts in the next few months. Thanks for your encouragement and support!

 

 

Cross-cultural education: advice for parents

/ Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

In a previous post I wrote an overview of the cross-cultural education experience, and said there would be more posts to come. In the meantime, I wrote a post for China Source about the impact of school culture, and the cross-cultural experience this can be. I’ve received a lot of feedback from teachers, parents and educational consultants. It’s nice to hear that so many others also feel this is a significant and important topic, although it also reminds me how few families are well resourced in how to cope with the impact of school culture on their family.

This post covers some key advice I give to parents about coping with the stresses associated with cross-cultural education. It’s turned into a long post, but I still feel like I’m barely scratching the surface! At any rate, I hope you will find these suggestions thought-provoking, encouraging, and interesting.

ccfamtalk

1) Your child is learning two cultures and languages at once

Your child may seem a bit behind in some ways: lacking language skills or cultural awareness, on either side – or both! But keep in mind, this is because they are learning more than one language, more than one cultural system. They’re actually ahead! The places they lack something are reminders of all they’ve gained, in a different language or cultural system.

Related to this, as they grow, keep in mind that they are neither completely one nor completely the other. Remember that it’s both-and: they have two (or more) languages and cultures that they draw upon to develop their sense of self.

“I feel like a different person when speaking Finnish than when speaking English. Maybe because my Finnish is not sophisticated enough to allow me to express myself to the same level as I can in English. I feel frustrated when I’m away with friends, say for a week, and don’t get any chances to speak Finnish. Even though I am limited by my Finnish, I feel constricted when I don’t get to be my ‘Finnish self’.”

Elisa, age 19, as quoted in Misunderstood, page 265

2) Always assume the best about your child

When you and your child clash, and especially when you feel your child is disrespecting you, or your culture, try to assume the best about your child. Assume that their intentions toward you are good. Assume they are trying their best. Assume that there is a misunderstanding between you, and not ill-intent. From this assumption, try to ask questions – perhaps just to yourself about the situation, or sometimes you may actually want to ask your child.

Ask why the child is acting this way (after starting by assuming the child is not trying to be difficult), and in particular, if they are acting from a set of values they have learned at school. Would their behaviour make sense in the classroom or schoolyard setting? Are they working from connection to and affection for more than one country, culture, or language?

Ask what might be confusing or frustrating your child – is there language or cultural understanding they are missing, and need help with? Are your own expectations as a parent not clear? Might these be confusing for a child living with different expectations during the school day? Ask what extra information, support, love, attention, or skills you might be able to provide to your child, to help them relax and grow as they walk through two cultures and languages at once.

Also, keep in mind the impact of grief on TCKs, and whether this might be part of the equation.

3) You may need space to deal with your own grief

Speaking of grief, give yourself space as a parent to experience and express grief associated with what a cross-cultural education means your child does NOT have – and does not share with you.

You may need space to feel the weight of what you’re dealing with. That you as a family are navigating two cultures and languages. That this journey means your child is having a very different childhood than you did – and therefore, is becoming a very different person. Over time, you may see these differences leading your child down a different path, and you may feel upset about them being less like you. And sometimes, those gaps in your experiences may make you feel sad – as you see the things you don’t share with your child. It is okay – even healthy – to leave yourself space to feel those feelings.

Letting yourself feel that sadness, finding a safe space to express it, will help you not put this on your child. If you do not recognise and face any grief you experience, it will twist its way into your parenting unconsciously. You will be more likely to place heavy expectations on your child to conform to your own cultural norms. You will be more likely to require them to be like you in order to feel accepted by you.

4) Cross-cultural education was YOUR choice – not your child’s

This is a difficult lesson for some, but it is very important. Your child did not choose to be in this situation, and to have this cross-cultural educational experience. This happened due to your choices as a parent. Even when children are involved in decisions around family relocations and schooling choices, the buck stops with the parent.

Whether you are at the start of this journey, or years down the track, it’s important to keep in mind that this is the only experience your child has. They have nothing to compare it to. They may not know what makes them different. They may not know what they don’t know. When those differences and lacks become apparent to you, remember: you are the one who chose this.

This also means it’s unfair to place heavy expectations on your child to be like you, and to share your sense of home. You may not even realise you’re doing it – especially if you haven’t made space to explore your own grief – but your child will, and it can place huge barriers in your relationship.

“My family would take me to Syria every summer, but I never truly immersed myself in the Syrian culture. I never made real friends, I couldn’t speak the language…I feel a continuous frustration with my parents for their feeling of entitlement to their children’s sense of home. They just didn’t get that there would be a permanent gap between their perspective of Syria and mine. And that separation would never be closed.”

Dialla, 18, as quoted in Misunderstood, page 262-263

This is a really emotional topic for a lot of parents. When I talk about these things in seminars, I almost always look out to see tears. Often there is relief, that they aren’t the only one, or that they have an explanation for something, or that their child is “normal”. Sometimes it’s sadness, at finally understanding some of the dynamics in their relationship with their child, and wishing they could have done things differently earlier. Sometimes it’s gratitude, at finally knowing what to do, or feeling validated that they had made some good parenting choices already.

 

If you are feeling emotional after reading this, please give yourself a little time and space to sit with those feelings, whether now or later. You might like to comment on this post, ask a question or share a story. You might want to send it to a friend so you can discuss it together. Perhaps sitting down with a journal, or writing your own blog post in response, is more your speed. Reflection is an important tool, and one worth making time for, especially if this has struck a chord with you.

Recommended reading: June 3rd, TCK perspective

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

Time for some more writing by TCKs – long posts and short, with TCKs reflecting on their experiences and telling their stories. I know it’s only been a month since the last TCK Perspective I shared, but I’ve found so many great pieces lately I didn’t want to wait!

Identity & Belonging – TCK Art Gallery
Noggy Bloggy
Aneurin has another fantastic online TCK art gallery, this one themed “Identity and Belonging”. This post features Tina Quick, author of the fantastic book A Global Nomad’s Guide to University Transition, choosing a few favourite pieces from the gallery to highlight.
“As an ATCK and the mother of three TCKs this piece impacted me because as the artist says, “The pieces we collect are often attached to a place that speaks loud to our identity.” What may seem insignificant to others has intense value to us. That is why I always tell parents never to throw away their TCK’s belongings without asking first. One day they will be ready to let go as that identity evolves.”

The freedom of being a third culture kid
Honi Soit
I love this piece! ATCK Georgia describes her relationship with her mixed cultural heritage and upbringing, and how embracing a TCK identity helped her make peace with all trhe pieces.
“…my cultural heritage tends to disorient most people that I meet. That invariably leads to false conceptions of my identity founded on comfortable and familiar stereotypes. TCKs are prevented from easily giving voice to their origin stories, and are severed from the roots of a precise nationality, a home. Wherever I go, I have often felt and been treated as an outsider. Comments on my accent have in the past sent me spiralling into a state of unease and insecurity with my identity. . .The decision to identify as a TCK actually occurred after moving to Australia. I realised that the non-judgemental, unassuming acceptance I had received within the expat community I grew up in was something truly unique. Elsewhere, it seems that people quickly categorise a new face as either ‘one of us’ or ‘one of them’, local or foreigner. . .To live authentically, for me, has meant accepting my roots as a TCK. While my younger self felt constantly torn between differing cultures, having the freedom to pick and choose from my own mixed bag of traditions has been the most rewarding experience.”

“Where Are You From?”
A Life Overseas
This piece is a missionary kid’s reflections on the question all TCKs struggle with. She wrestles with the difficulty – feeling judged and resentful, struggling to reconcile experiences, the memories of life in one place that she DOESN’T have. She concludes with the way she’s found peace in the midst of this – the Christian theology of citizenship in heaven. I did a research thesis on this citizenship in heaven and its impact on Christian TCKs, so it was nice to see my topic reflected here.
““Where are you from?” The dreaded question is asked all too often as soon as I open my mouth and my Australian-British-South African accent comes out. A question that seems simple yet holds the weight of my being, it is the question of my identity. It is not simply the answer to that question alone which can be a difficult and strange one to have when someone actually doesn’t care about my history — but rather the judgments that are made upon the story that ensues.”

4 Things Missionary Kids Won’t Tell You
ABWE
This is another piece by a teeange missionary kid, and it’s really important. I’ve heard these same sentiments from many, many young TCKs over the years. The first two points are applicable to lots of TCKs from different sectors, and the second two points are specific to mission/ministry families. All four points are really important reading for parents.
“We may talk differently because of where we grew up. We may not understand American sports. We may eat our burgers with forks and knives. But we are still kids who want to belong. Our fear of never fitting in may seem irrational, but continually pointing out our differences only feeds this fear. But, our parents, supporters, friends, and pastors have the power to make us feel welcome, by accepting us no matter how different we may seem.”

A TCK’s Reflection; Brene Brown’s Call to Courage
We All See this World a Little Differently
This post has some personal and really helpful reflections on vulnerability, grief, and relationship building. These are themes that are coming up a lot in my current research, and I appreciated the way Joel approached these often difficult topics. His authenticity is refreshing and his insights widely applicable.
“I absolutely loved my life growing up overseas, but there is an element of constant change that all TCKs have in their lives that I could have lived without. Either you (the TCK) or someone you know is always moving. I had very few friends that remained in my life from kindergarten through high school. The expectation in an ex-pat community is that people will only be around for a couple of years before moving onto another assignment from their business or mission board. Only a handful of people will be around long term. The grief and loss that is experienced when the element of belonging is removed is deep.”

‘I’m either too black or not black enough’: One teenager’s experience
BBC News
This powerful piece was written by a teenager studying at an international school in Europe. She unpacks her experience of being an African American in a school where her culture is largely unknown, where she sees appreciation and appropriation of its surface characteristics, but no knowledge of the history and lived experience behind those cultural markers.
“Technically, all people of African descent are minorities in America, the place where I’ve lived most of my life. Yet, this is the first time I’ve been aware of it. There are so few black students at my school that by next year, there’s a good chance that no one in secondary will have black skin. Should that not be scary? Is it weird for me that it is? It’s not that I’m scared to be the only black person at the school; that’s not really the issue. It’s that there’s part of black culture that has spread throughout the student population that reeks of ignorance. . .I am either too black or not black enough; yet no matter what, I am in the wrong. The stares weigh over me like a thick smog, the whispers cloud my hearing, and on this campus I am left an outcast. Isolated. Alone”

Thoughts on Remembering
Third Culture Thoughts
In this piece a TCK explores nostalgia – the pain of leaving and losing friends, and the place of memory. There’s a good balance here – recognising the need to reflect and feel, but not to let that hold you back.
“I’ve been fortunate enough to move countries or cities multiple times in my life, and while it’s an opportunity every time to reinvent yourself for the new environment you’ll be in, you also leave a lot behind. Even if you didn’t like that person you were or that place you lived in, it’s a part of how you became you today. Others may not think that’s important but I do. I suppose it’s a little existential of me. We only have the time we have here and now in our lives. Each of us is one in billions of other human beings, and we are on a rock floating in a stupendously large universe. Our lives are, in a cosmic sense, infinitesimally small, but they are our lives and that makes them important to us. It makes them worth remembering because no one else will.”

Who am I really? Ask the Third Country Kids
Shine
This interview with a Third Culture Kid includes some great gems relating to identity struggles and language usage:
“The hardest part of my life was having to go back to the country that I thought was my home and realizing that I was not from there. That I was not from Indonesia, I did not look Indonesian. That I was not from Kenya, I did not look Kenyan. But I was also not French. . .When I am really angry, I shout in French. It is the most delicious language to get angry in. When I talk to a baby or a puppy, I go to Dutch. Because my mum is Dutch, and I guess it’s my motherly side that comes out. When I want to theorize about complex things, I want to do that in English only because I studied in English. So, languages are part of my personality and they mix and match.”

Past the Point of Resilience
TCK Town
A TCK shares a powerful personal story about when change becomes too much – and what coping looks like.
“As a TCK I am used to moving constantly, I am used to change, and I am used to jumping into a culture and embracing all its quirky characteristics until I grow to love them. I took pride in my ability to say goodbye easily and move with an optimistic attitude about each place we went to. I was the first in my family to pack my suitcase and be ready to go, the first to explore and meet new friends and the first to try new food. I thrived off of change. I never thought that this change I loved so much would betray me. . .On top of my family falling apart and the suddenness of having to come back to a place I didn’t want to be, I was dealing with culture shock. Instead of being resilient and embracing the simultaneously familiar yet unfamiliar world around me, I rejected it. I didn’t want to be part of this way of life and I didn’t want to be from here. I missed everything about our life overseas.”

The Clouds
TCK Town
And finally, in what seems to have become an unintentional tradition in these TCK Perspective posts, a poem. (This one is also from TCK Town.) Here’s my favourite stanza:
“Between worlds, clutching neither time nor needs.
Clammy hands grasp old baggage. Last to stand.
Blonde curls, pockets full of sunflower seeds.
Turbulent past brings nostalgic disband.”

Recommended reading: May 27th, 2019

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

Welcome to another week of Recommended Reading! Here’s a range of interesting posts related to international life from the past month.

Parenting Third Culture Kids: Who are TCKs and how can you help yours?
Beijing Kids
First up is a little plug! I was recently featured (twice!) in the Beijing Kids magazine. Now those articles are available online. Here’s a taste of an interview with me:
“Something that is extremely helpful for TCKs is creating a safe space where kids can express different aspects of culture and not have to self-censor. Having a space where they can just be whatever mix they are. When parents are able to do this at home they get to know their real kids, not an act their kids put on based on their parent’s cultural expectations. . .It’s refreshing for children to know that home is a place where they can go and relax; where they don’t have to worry about fitting in or making a mistake or pronouncing words correctly.”

Raising Third Culture Kids: Where Is Home?
Beijing Kids
And here’s the second article, which quotes me before interviewing sharing two interviews (an ATCK and a parent of TCKs). There are some really great stories and insights in them!
“It was sometimes hard for my children to fit into new schools and countries after a move, especially in non-international environments. This was always painful for me to watch, and I always told them to “take care of the newcomers” wherever they went as a way to empathize with and cope with these painful experiences. Another challenge for me was being okay with the fact that even though it is easy for them to fit in and live anywhere in the world, they remain foreigners in their (my) “home country” of France. I think this bothers me more than it does them.”
“It was always heartbreaking to leave countries where I had close friends. This isn’t always avoidable of course, but it helps if parents plan bigger chunks of time in places, staying long enough in one place so that their child can finish high school or middle school, and ensuring that the academic continuity stays the same between schools where possible. As a child, I was also attached to my toys and keepsakes; these were among the few constants in my life. I felt that my parents didn’t always respect that and left many things behind. This was traumatizing for me. Parents should try to be patient with and listen to their child telling them what’s important in their world, and then they can work together to see how memories and feelings can be honored better.”

A Little Advice to My Pre-Expat Self
Taking Route
Somehow I missed this post in April, but it’s too good to miss sharing with you now! It includes five pieces of advice the author, reflecting back, would give herself as a new expat. There is so much wisdom in these five points I’m not sure how to choose only a little to share – so instead, here’s her conclusion, and my strong advice to go read the whole thing!
“I can’t go back in time and give this advice to my pre-expat self, but I can learn these lessons well and continue to use them as I move forward in my expat journey. I hear expat life can be circular. Life overseas is periods of grief and loss, excitement to mundane, over and over and over. So as I look to the future, I am thankful for the lessons and the process as I move forward.”

Embracing Failure to Create Change
Dr Anisha Abraham
Anisha reflects on a powerful keynote address from Caleb Meakins at the recent FIGT 2019 conference in Bangkok. I had a great chat with Caleb after his keynote, and we talked about the importance of TCKs experiencing failure as they grow and develop. Anisha’s reflections are interesting, and at the end she links to an older post on letting teens fail which is also worth a read.
“Caleb takes the fear out of starting something new by asking us what we would do if we could try something and it was… impossible to fail? The answer to this question may be our life dream or passion. Caleb’s point is that if we would do it if we couldn’t fail, why not try it even if we may fail or it didn’t quite work out?. . .Caleb’s story makes a good case for why parents need to stop protecting kids from failure. Instead, we need to allow young people to take risks and try new pathways in the spirit of making the world a better place.”

I’ll be your friend if you let me.
A Life Overseas
I really, really appreciate this short post. It acknowledges a hard truth of expat life: when you say goodbye to so many people, it gets difficult to keep your heart tender toward newcomers. When you know investing in a deeper relationship means investing in a more painful goodbye, it’s easier to protect your deeper self behind a wall. This logic is something many TCKs grow up with. And in this one short post, Anisha illustrates the power of offering your friendship to another person. And in sharing her attitude of openness, she invites (challenges) all of us to do the same.
“The years roll by. We say painful goodbye after painful goodbye. The wall sometimes seems like an inviting place. I understand now the emotional safety others have sought behind it. But the wall is not for me. I’ll be your friend if you let me.”

5 lessons from 3 months abroad
Marloes Huijsmans (LinkedIn)
This is a short piece reflecting on what has helped one person in a period of international transition. And yet, these simple pieces of advice are gold!! A beautiful summary of a lot of the advice I follow for myself and offer others. I particularly love the description of learning to value the social part of social media – and shout outs to some great people in the expat connection field!
“There is a whole online community that is ready to guide you that I did not have any clue of. I have to admit…I am a very late adapter, thinking facebook was just to get likes to make you feel better and Instagram a way to show off. Boy, was I wrong! With special thanx to Emily Rogers (expat parenting abroad) Amel Derragui (tandem nomads) and Sundae Schneider-Bean (expats on purpose) who introduced me to the right persons, provided me with tips, very interesting podcasts and free guidebooks to start the business.”

My Trailing Spouse Resumé
Tales from a Small Planet
I love this fun and lighthearted take on the skills acquired through multiple international moves! I actually think it’s a great exercise for expats in general to think through – what are the skills (both serious and silly) that you’ve acquired over the years, and moves? As Kelly notes at the end, “Of course, I have another resumé that I’m preparing for employers. But I like this one better!”
“After 29 years experience as a expatriate spouse, 17 of them overseas, I bring a unique perspective to any crazy venture. With 10 international moves under my belt to date, my vocabulary of profanity is impressive, while my organizational skills have been refined to the level of obsession. I am particularly fond of making lists on napkins and sticking post-it notes to household items, pets, and children. Unfazed by incomprehensible languages, Euroglyphic appliances, and funky plumbing, I make a house into a home wherever I land.”

When the robots come, the robots will be racist
gal-dem
Finally, here’s something slightly off topic, but an important point worthy of consideration. The author discusses implicit bias and ways it is being translated to AI systems. She then considers ways these biases could impact people through the adoption of AI in various contexts.
“I’m not sure what the equivalent of unconscious bias training is for a computer system but it might look something like the ‘What-If’ tool Google released to identify the exact moment that bias kicks in during machine-based decision making. I can’t help but think identifying when biases occur misses the point. It feels ironic that we’re now faced with a need to build de-biasing technology into our machines when what we should be focussing on is eliminating the homogeneity that allowed for this to arise in the first place. Call me paranoid, but I also believe we should be developing tools that mitigate the potential for harm that inevitably goes hand-in-hand with the existence of technology that can be used as an automated profiling service. Talking about the lack of diversity in tech has seemingly become mainstream but not enough is being done to stop our machines from perpetuating cycles of disadvantage and discrimination in the meantime.”

Recommended reading: May 20th, 2019

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

Welcome to another week of Recommended Reading! I feel like I say this most weeks, but I have a lot of really great posts for you this week! And a variety of perspectives – diplomat, missionary, military, education. There’s a piece on introducing yourself, and a piece on signing emails! I hope you enjoy this wealth of content as much as I have.

The Lonely Diplomat: on home
The Lonely Diplomat
A lovely post musing on home and belonging, from the perspective of an Australian diplomat family. Part of life for many diplomat families is frequent transition – starting a new life knowing that they have a limited time there before they will move on again. This post beautifully captures the tension of this life. This is a really good read, a balance of emotion and intellect, and holding the tension of a situation that is both good and hard. There’s also great questions for personal reflection and some practical advice.
“A question: how is it that we can both feel at home and be strangers when away on a posting, but once we’re home we can feel like we miss our home? Simpler yet: how is it that we can feel at home both everywhere and nowhere at the same time? Confused? Me too. But that’s the point. . .Each move means uprooting ourselves and our families and settling into another new community and working out where and how we belong all over again. This is both exhilarating and destabilising. It’s both an amazing voyage of discovery and potentially very traumatic. . .We all acknowledge that, for everyone, it’s hard at times. It’s allowed to be hard. It’s a peculiar feeling to be home and feel homesick for home. It’s more peculiar yet to feel and know that home is a place we can only be temporarily.”

There’s No Place Like Home
Downsview Counselling
A great summary of some of the negative impacts that can result from a TCK childhood – and the pressure to hide these. The author’s experience and perspective – that the experience overall is one he would not trade, despite the difficulties that go with it – lines up precisely with the survey results in Misunderstood. I think there are lots of benefits to the TCK life, especially if the companion difficulties are recognised and managed effectively.
“What often happens with this lifestyle is a focus on the positives. And indeed there are many. TCKs are praised for being highly adaptable, able to blend into new situations, being open minded, living life in the now. They are often told how exciting and glamorous their lives have been. But one effect of this can be the child feeling under pressure to ignore or not even recognise any of the negatives. Particularly when back in their country of origin, it’s likely their new schools and friends will have had no experience of dealing with someone who has lived the life they have. The desire to try to fit in and act as if nothing unusual has happened to them can be very strong. Even though they may now feel almost like a stranger in their own home.”

How a school in India taught me to raise my expectations for my child
The Washington Post
This is a really interesting piece on one (American) family’s experience of cross cultural education, as their daughter attends a school in India. There’s a real sense of acknowledging the pain and difficulty, while also seeing the accompanying benefits of a different way of thinking about and doing education. A really interesting and worthwhile read.
“I certainly don’t want her to be crying alone in the elevator, and I do wish that the kids were given more time to run around during the day. But I’ve found my daughter’s school experience in India to be meaningful, even illuminating. And what I’ve come to respect most is the lack of choice. Because instead of choices, there are responsibilities…After years of free-form writing, she was skeptical that spelling mattered. But while attempting to memorize words such as “obviously” and “unfortunately,” she began to study. And that is not the same as doing homework. To study means to focus. Concentrate. Try. Fail. Try again. Alone. Because no one else can do it for you. In the process, she has accomplished far more than she thought herself capable of (even though she still can’t really spell). . .My observations are anecdotal, privileged and specific to my circumstances…But alongside her habit of saying thik ache (Bengali for “okay”), I hope my daughter brings back to the United States a deeper confidence in what she and all children can accomplish. And the understanding that, in fact, she always has a choice — perhaps not in what she does, but in how she does it.”

How Do You Introduce Yourself To Others?
Miriam Grobman Consulting
Love this piece about how we introduce ourselves, and both the frustrations and advantages of having a somewhat complicated background story.
“I was born in Russia to non-practicing Jewish parents. I grew up in Israel and moved again with my family, this time to Texas, as a teenager. I went to college and grad school and spent most of my career in the United States. Those three cultures have been incorporated into my worldview as a result. If things weren’t complicated enough, eight years ago I was offered and accepted a job at the headquarters of a Brazilian mining company in Rio de Janeiro. Since then, I learned Portuguese, married a Brazilian man, left that company and started my own business. I now divide my time between Austin and Rio, running my business from both places. In case you haven’t noticed, I am still trying to save time and summarize my life story for my readers. There must be a joke somewhere that starts with: “A Russian-Israeli American walks into a bar in Brazil..””

6 Adjustments of Moving Back to My Passport Country
Taking Route
I appreciated this balanced and honest perspective on repatriation, and the changes in routine that go with it. In this case, it’s a missionary family going from a remote location back to their passport country of the US.
“It’s heartbreaking to leave the life we had built in our host country. Even through sorrow, I looked forward to some of the conveniences of America: drive-thru, Amazon, working drier, A/C, paved roads, hot showers, modern medicine, and of course, time with family. And though I am enjoying those conveniences, I also am navigating the drawbacks and adjustments to life in America. Life isn’t completely rosy in here. Repatriation is not for the faint of heart.”

How setting a Minimum Viable Day proved I’m not actually failing all the time.
A Life Overseas
I love Anisha’s concept of a “Minimum Viable Day”. This is such a great strategy for managing life in a new situation!! What is the minimum that needs to be accomplished? Not an ideal day, not even an average day, but the bare minimum. This is a really helpful attitude. Every place is different – different tasks to be accomplished, and the same tasks may look different and take different amounts of time. So setting yourself a REALISTIC low bar means that you can see that you are managing even on hard days.
“I understood moving overseas would be an adjustment, but since I wouldn’t be working outside the home I was sure I’d have enough time on my hands to make the adjustment just fine. I’m not sure exactly what year into living overseas it was, but eventually I figured out that although I technically had fewer commitments, I most certainly did not have more time. For the first several years overseas just putting three meals on the table took 6+hours of each day. I wish to tell you that with such a large amount of time invested these were fancy, filling meals, but they were not. “I can do four things a day.” I said out loud to myself.”

Where you go, I go? Tips for the Relocating “Trailing Spouse”
Expat Nest
Heading off to a new country because your partner is offered a job there can sound exciting, perhaps even glamorous. But for many people, this can be fraught experience. This post does a great job of acknowledging the “hidden losses” that go along with following your partner on an overseas posting. There are also some helpful suggestions of practical ways “to create a happier life in your new location”.
“To truly trust in your life with another person and follow him/her away from your home country takes great courage. Because it is not at all easy to leave your life as you know it, to follow your significant other; to have to start all over again, often without a job or a sense of where you belong in the new/current scene. Trailing spouse, accompanying spouse, love-expat, lovepat (our favourite!)… no matter what you call it, no matter whether you have kids or not, and no matter your gender, those who relocate due to their partner’s career opportunities often experience unique difficulties in adapting. These difficulties may come as a surprise, or even go unacknowledged.”

Things I wish I knew before becoming a MilSpouse
We Are The Mighty
I found this piece really interesting. The author looks back on her 31 years as a military spouse, two years after her husband retired from service. She lists several things she wish she’d known beforehand, and some things that surprised her – including an appreciate for hard times, and the things she didn’t know she’d miss. I think non-military families might find several things in here resonate, but even if not it’s a great insight into a different experience of transience and family life being affected by a parent’s career.
“While by this point in the military spouse world it’s been drilled into us how important it is to create our own identity, pursue our own dreams and passions, that we’re not just military spouses (all good things, of course), it does no good to pretend military life won’t have an impact on the spouse and family. It will have an effect, whether it’s where you’re living, how much you see your spouse, if your kids will change schools numerous times, or the rest of the family stays put while the military member moves. It isn’t just another job, one that can be picked up and put down at will. It’s a completely different way of life.”

The beautiful ways different cultures sign emails
BBC
Finally, a piece about how people in different places sign off their emails – and how the same phrase can come across differently in different places!
“A comparative study of Korean and Australian academics suggests that email elements like closings do affect people’s perceptions of politeness across borders. Some 40% of the Koreans in this study found the Australian emails to be impolite, compared to 28% the other way around. . .Ending an email with the verbal equivalent of a hug can seem awkward to people from more reserved cultures i.e. the UK, yet in Brazil, for instance, this closing is acceptable for semi-formal emails.”

Recommended reading: May 13th, 2019

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

Welcome to another week of Recommended Reading! I’m catching up on some great posts after my month of travel, so this is a mix of newish and oldish posts – but all worth a read!

Blind iftar anyone? Meet new people and enjoy iftar with this cool Ramadan concept in Dubai
Gulf News
Ramadan has begun, and Muslims around the world are fasting, reflecting, and celebrating – including many who are expats! This article features a fun concept happening at a housing complex in Dubai, connecting families who host iftar dinners for their non-muslim neighbours to experience and learn about this Ramadan practice. What a lovely way to build community in the diverse expat world.
“When you share food, you share love and the bond grows automatically. Sharing a table gives us time to talk to each other. The Swedish family had so many questions about Islam and Ramadan. They wanted to know why we fast. And I explained that fasting helped us value life, people, food and to not waste. And iftar is the best way of bringing people closer. It was fun, informal and we had a healthy, informative exchange. I cooked traditional Jordanian food”

6 Reasons Short-Term Friendships Are Worth Your Time
Taking Route
Great post summing up a lot of my own thoughts and arguments about why it’s important to invest in relationships wherever you’re living, no matter how short a time you’ll be there. Seriously, if you’ve ever felt that friendship fatigue, that it might not be worth the effort to make new friends AGAIN, then this is a great post to read. And if you’ve never felt that way before, especially as an expat, I can almost guarantee it’ll happen to you one day – so this is still a great read!
“When you’re an expat, it seems like all your friendships start with a timer. How long until one of you moves? Is it really worth putting the time into building a friendship when there’s already an expiration date on the horizon? Wouldn’t it be easier to just keep acquaintances casual, so it’s easier to say goodbye? Having experienced times of short but good friendships, and also times where I eschewed making new friends in favor of a simpler or quieter life, I can give you the answers up front: Yes, investing in a friendship for a short season is worth it. And no, it isn’t easier to spend a year or two without friends, preparing for the day you’ll move again.”

Rediscovering Myself as a TCK
TCK Town
I loved reading this story of a TCK learning what a “TCK” is for the first time! I’ve heard this story from dozens of TCKs around the world – the moment they realised they belonged to a wider tribe of scattered individuals who GET IT. This can be an incredibly powerful realisation!
“My discovery of the concept of the TCK transformed me. After learning about the existence of others like me firsthand, I felt I firmly belonged to a community, a feeling which I had lacked ever since I started to question my identity, and a feeling that I realized was important. I now feel I am not alone and have people like me with whom I can identify. In short, I feel like I am more firmly part of the world. More importantly, after learning about TCKs, I formed a sense of identity. Now I can describe myself as a TCK, who doesn’t necessarily classify as belonging to a single traditional culture but to a particular global community of people who are “citizens of everywhere and nowhere.””

Third Culture Kids Aren’t a Triangle – They’re a Wave
Wine and Cheese (Doodles)
This is a fascinating piece considering the impact of growing up among cultures – from the perspective of a mother wondering how this will affect her TCK children long term. Great reflections, and well worth a read!
“A recent conversation sucked me, feet first, into the black hole of expat doubt. And by doubt, I really mean: “What the hell is going to happen to my kids at the end of this experiment?”. . . They’re soaking in some weird cultural slop, made up of ingredients from our respective cultures, plus the one they live in, plus the stuff they pick up from living in an international community. And so here they are, teetering on this no-citizen’s-land, picking and choosing what they like and getting rid of the rest. Perhaps in an age when we’re increasingly recognizing gender fluidity, cultural fluidity is not far behind? When my kids go to the US for summer breaks, they morph and flow until they find a comfortable wavelength to inhabit. The same when they do when they reside in Denmark. Or when they go to the UK. A while back there was an excellent commentary about expats and immigrants and their life as a triangle; when you no longer fit where you came from, but not exactly where you live either. The more I think about it, the more I believe that triangle is too angular. It’s too rigid. Perhaps instead of a triangle it should be a wave, fluid and ever-changing. Culture, for my kids, is now a spectrum rather than a shape. It’s a wavelength they exist upon, altering as they see fit.”

Keeping Kids Safe
Expat Parenting Abroad
A short post raising an important topic: child safety. What conversations do you have with your children, to help keep them safe despite engaging in different cultures with different cultural norms – different lines for what is considered normal/appropriate behaviour?
“From the outset, let me just state that nothing sinister happened… but there is learning here nonetheless. . . Someone in a trusted position asked my children to keep something from me!!! Our girls, as you are probably well aware by now, have grown up in Asia spending most of their lives in India. And it is well reported, that girls don’t always receive the same respect in India as other countries and the rates of sexual abuse are quite high. When you live there, it’s reported daily in the local newspaper and more often that not the perpetrator is in a position of trust.”

What’s ‘culture’, anyway?
Tertiary
Really appreciated this little reflection on what culture is, and how it impacts our interactions with others. Dani asks good questions, and invites readers to engage with their own experiences.
“The uncomfortable part is that a lot of cultural indicators are subliminal: you might not even realise that you think or behave in a certain way, because it is so deeply ingrained in your experience of life. . . So it’s no wonder moving to a new country, or working in an international company, or marrying into another culture is so hard! We are all human, we are all valuable, and we all function more or less the same way, but we are all wired a little differently. Out cultures have gifted us with different perspectives and traditions and ways of being, and sometimes those cultures contradict. . . But here’s the key. Your culture is not right. It’s not wrong, by any means, but it is human and that means it’s complex. It means it’s changing, evolving, and adapting to the circumstances around it. The same goes for other peoples’ cultures.”

3 Ways to Improve Your Cultural Fluency
Harvard Business Review
And on the topic of culture, here’s an interesting piece looking at the importance of cross-cultural competency in a corporate setting. Good thoughts, and the lessons apply across many sectors.
“Doug worked with his coauthor Jane, a global leadership strategist, to learn how his behaviors reflected the culture in which he was brought up. He learned that his perspective was heavily influenced by being male and by his American-based value system. Doug had been interpreting situations based on his version of “treating people with respect” without a deeper understanding of how those behaviors landed with his audience. . . Over time, he discovered that people from different cultures (in and outside of the U.S.) interpreted his zealous approach as disrespectful. This discovery led to an ongoing exploration of how to shift his behaviors when engaging with colleagues from diverse backgrounds. After a few years, his cultural fluency in leadership visibly improved.”

Expat Story: “Less is More”
Expat Nest
This piece talks about essentialism – like minimalism but different. What are the things that are essential to you physcially, financially, and mentally? What makes your life easier and less stressful? A great idea when facing yet another international move.
“Like many expats, it sometimes feels like my life consists of moving… right now I’m on eight moves and counting! I don’t enjoy the process of moving, even if the end result is living in a great new country. Just the thought of putting every single thing I own, one by one into boxes, and then having to unpack each item again is daunting. Right before my most recent move, however, I discovered something that might seem scary at first, but that helped me through the packing process and even saved me money: essentialism – the little helper that makes the expat’s life easier. As opposed to minimalism, essentialism is all about owning the essentials, not owning as little as humanly possible. So please do not picture an empty white room!”

My Dearest Switzerland
Remfrey Educational Consulting
And to finish, a sweet little letter written by an expat to the country she lives in. This is a great exercise! Perhaps you might like to try it yourself…
“Switzerland, you have made us one of your own. We are truly and completely yours. We promise to continue to learn more about your culinary abundance. We will continue to discover more corners of your overwhelming landscape through hiking and skiing. And most of all, Switzerland, we will continue to enjoy your company every day.”

Feature in Beijing Kids magazine

/ Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

I’ve spent most of the last month on the road, but I’m finally back home for the forseeable future! It’s very nice to be sleeping in my own bed, cooking in my own kitchen, and hanging out on my own couch (with my own husband!)

In the three nights I’ve been home, I’ve slept 8-9 hours a night instead of my usual 6-7 hours. I think my body is telling me something! So I’m taking it a bit easy, despite the pile of work clamouring for my attention. Sometimes self-care is housework, grocery shopping, and cooking meals.

Today’s self care means that instead of devoting time and energy to finish one of the many half-written blog posts waiting in my drafts folder, I’m going to point to something else – the May 2019 edition of the Beijing Kids magazine. I’m featured in it twice! The whole edition is full of great stories and advice for raising TCKs, not just in Beijing.

First up is an interview of me, a two-page spread as a Parenting Feature on pages 45-46. The article was written by the lovely Pamela Djima, and is called “Parenting Third Culture Kids: Who are they, and how can you help yours?”

Pamela and I spoke by phone when she interviewed me. We had a lovely conversation and I was impressed at how she skillfully boiled down the wide range of topics we discussed into an accessible piece of writing that covers a lot of ground.

“I was struck by how many parents feel guilty and are afraid that they are doing the wrong thing to their kids. My advice to parents is: Make the best choices you can with the information you have. If home is a safe space and you love your kids, that in itself will be a tremendous help.”

bjkidsmay19_45-46sm

Second, I am also quoted in a piece called: “Raising Third Culture Kids: Where is home?” (pages 51-53). The author of this piece, Siana Braganza, interviewed me with a special focus on the topic of belonging for TCKs. She starts her piece with my definition of a Third Culture Kid, and thoughts on home and belonging. She then shares the stories of an expat mum raising TCKs, and an adult TCK. The ATCK is actually someone I’ve connected with online – Mia Livingston – so that was a lovely overlap!

“Home is a concept that combines many things: nostalgia, childhood experiences, familiarity, comfort, security, family relationships, and more. I don’t think it’s essential to have a single place to call ome, or a strictly geographical sense of belonging. But, I do think that on an emotional level we all need some sense of home and belonging, even if the pieces aren’t all found in the one place or community.”

bjkidsmay19_51sm.jpg

You can read the magazine online, or if you’re in Beijing, grab a paper copy! I’ll have to try to find one myself, too…

Recommended reading: May 6th, TCK perspective

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

In my last TCK perspective post I said I had too many for a single Recommended Reading post. So, here’s the next installment for you! Lots of writing by TCKs – long posts and short, reflecting on their experiences and telling their stories.

Does Citizenship Shape Identity? A “Third-Culture” Writer Takes Stock
Vogue
It was so hard to choose a small selection from this piece to share with you. Please, please go and read the whole article. The narrative of third culture experiences most often heard are very white, very western, very anglophone. It is a privilege to soak up this story, with all its many layers. Wonderful writing, so densely packed with emotion and explanation of a TCK’s perspective.
“When I procrastinated on a paper or failed to study properly for a midterm test, I’d wish for another coup, much in the same way that East Coast kids pray for snow days. Soon, though, only several dozen of us remained at the school. We were the ones with “bad” passports, the ones without secondary citizenships or whose countries of origin were not hospitable. I struggled to process the anomaly of being a member of a sociopolitical elite in one country, while knowing that my citizenship made me unimportant virtually anywhere else. . . Unlike some of my friends, who internalized racist Western critiques of their home cultures as oppressive or crude, I always recognized the beauty and value of where we came from. I didn’t rage against it. Instead I felt like a dull magnet, unable to attach to the traditions and ways of thinking that were supposed to shape much of my identity. I also felt the guilt associated with that. I couldn’t muster up a connection with Sudan, and that often felt like a betrayal.”

Resilience. My story.
Connecting the Pieces
Really interesting reflections on the mixed emotions of moving to a new place and starting again, especially from a TCK perspective.
“During the past twenty-two years of my life, I have lived in five different countries, went to five kindergartens, five schools and five universities. I flew before I could walk. I am a Third Culture Kid. When I turned 18, I had a sudden and strong sense of restlessness, and told my parents that I needed to move away from the place that had been my home the longest – Malaysia. I was bored and tired of what I already knew about Malaysia, and I wanted to study in Europe – somewhere I’d never been. For some reason my country of origin, Argentina, didn’t really call to me. I remember receiving my acceptance letter from my university in The Netherlands, and I think it never really hit my friends and family until the day I actually left. That day is still a complete blur in my memory – I think the mixture of excitement and sadness made me almost forget everything about it. What I do remember is being on the plane and wondering why I’d had such a strong urge to leave everything behind”

Thinking about Belonging and Being Known
We All See This World A Little Differently
And here are some poignant reflections on how all those moves can affect a TCK over time.
“All these moves have cultivated in me an almost indescribable tension. A tension between wanting to be known and wanting to be out of context. If you’re a fellow TCK (third culture kid) who’s reading this you might be nodding your head in understanding. Moving to a new place is normal, natural even. . . When you stay too long in one place you feel like you have to maintain the status quo, to not shift who you are, to live into the category that people have placed you in. Sometimes people’s perceptions of you can feel suffocating. Sometimes it feels tempting and freeing to escape these perceptions and recreate yourself in a new place, with new people – even though these perceptions and categories inevitably will be placed on you again.”

Language, School and Friends – What Life is Like for Teen Expats in Zagreb
Total Croatia News
An interview with the author’s younger brother provides lovely reflections from two perspectives on the challenges of connecting with others across cultures.
“You can always have friends and be courteous with each other but making a real connection is the tricky part. The language barrier does end up limiting your social circles and what you can get up to no matter how outgoing or positive you might be. Sitting at a cafe table with a group of our Croatian colleagues one time, my expat friend from Australia joked that “we have that Western understanding” and it’s very true. Don’t let that discourage you though.”

A letter to my 20-year-old self
3CK Life: Life as a Third Culture Kid
I love this post, and the concept – a TCK sharing advice with his younger self. He does a great job. There is so much good stuff in here!
“You’ve always kept to yourself, but at some point you’re going to have to muster the courage to open up to others; life is just too much to handle on your own. You may have only a couple of friends that you feel really close to, but talk to them and let them know what you’re going through and how you feel, just as they do with you. It’s okay to show weakness. You’re so accustomed to being belittled and berated for every little mistake, but not everyone is going to react that way. There will be someone that listens. You have only two years left with your best friends. Spend them wisely, or you could end up spending your 20s and beyond alone, with nobody who understands or to turn to.”

Where Are You From?
A Life Overseas
In this piece a teenage TCK reflects on the problem of “where is home?” and how she finds security in all the transition through her faith in a home located not in a geography by a spiritual reality.
“I have had the opportunity to meet many incredible people, to have many weird and wonderful experiences, and to have gained a greater understanding of the world around me. However, after being asked this question at every social gathering, and not at the fault of the one questioning, I have begun to feel a sort of resentment toward the, “So where is home to you?” question. I do not feel at home where I am today and will probably never feel totally at home wherever I will be in the future. There will always be some aspect of my current culture that I do not have an affinity with or do not particularly enjoy.”

Picture Perfect: When a TCK Marries a TCK (Part I)
Culturs Magazine
In this series of two posts, foreign service TCK Alexa talks about her marraige to a fellow TCK from a completely different background. In the first installment, she talks about how her view of her probably future (including marriage) shifted with her Third Culture life.
“And as I began to realize my multi-cultural-ness, I longed to know and love someone so equally broken, scattered, and yet complete, as I felt I was. My picture had been torn to tiny pieces, and put back together, and shredded, and crinkled, and reworked, and it had faded so many times. Maybe I didn’t have to pick and choose what I liked from my many cultures, maybe I could be free to be all of them at once, and maybe my future husband would be able to do the same. While I was completing my Bachelor’s Degree in Rome, Italy — the 6th country I call home — someone so outwardly NOT meant for me became my ideal match. He was born in Serbia, and raised in Hungary and Belgium, and I in America, raised in Germany, The Republic of Georgia, Russia, and Bulgaria. With this slew of nations, contrasts, languages, and perceptions, we somehow found common ground in the most unlikely of circumstances.”

Wherever We May Go: When a TCK Marries a TCK (Part II)
Culturs Magazine
And in the second installment, she talks about what their TCK-TCK marriage looks like, how it works. She admits her “infantile experience” with marriage, but she shares a really interesting perspective.
“At first glance, to me, our lifestyle is anything but out of the ordinary. It is the perfect in-between to which I have gotten so accustomed. We are neither an American family living in Serbia nor a typically Serbian family living in Belgrade. We are both equally foreign and local in whatever setting we may find ourselves. The only place we will ever fully 100% fit in, is in our own home: a haven where no nationality reigns. . . It means not feeling limited by geography. Home has been, and can be anywhere we want it to be. But it means, being content where we are, and yet longing for where we could be, or might one day find ourselves. It means feeling homesick sometimes together; and apart.”

On Crying – TCK memory
authentic.unrest
This short piece is a powerful expression of unseen grief many TCKS carry – losses that are unrecognised and not seen as valid.
“I cannot cry for a life I’ve lived but cannot share – a life so foreign – so many twisted stories and backtracking explanations. I cannot cry for a life of love and loss I didn’t choose – for a calling that was not mine. I cannot cry for any of that – because they won’t understand. They’ll hand over a tissue and say “but it’s all in the past, why does it bother you now?””

Water Towers, Too
Adrian Patenaude
And again, I’m ending with TCK poetry – this time an evocative poem about place and change. This one starts:
“i knew i’d miss mangos
pale yellow, smooth, size
of two fists combined
peeled, sliced
and juicy sweet

i was right
but surprised
by warm peaches”

Recommended reading catchup: December 2018

/ Tanya Crossman / Leave a comment

I recently realised that I never finished my “catch up” series of Recommended Reading – going back and sharing links I collected while I was sick. Since I’m currently travelling (and very busy!) I thought it would be a good time to share these great posts from December 2018 with you. Also, I realise that being a series of posts from December, several reflect on the holiday season and new beginnings. They’re still worth reading – even a few months later!

The Nightly Pilgrimage
TCK Town
Reflections on connecting with a place and its people through food. I recommend you don’t read this on an empty stomach!
“Leaving India was a strange mixture of relief and sadness. I had grown accustomed to the vibrancy of such a bustling country but looked forward to returning to quieter times. I would often catch myself reflecting on my stay and appreciating how I felt, to an extent, local even if it were only for those few weeks. The culinary experiences I had are something unable to be replicated without returning. Chennai’sfood without the context is just food; the people and surroundings completed it.”

The Intrepid Chef: Kaesta McFee [Muscat, Oman]
The Black Expat
The story of an expat chef with connections to many countries! Hear about his journey to where he is, and what he’s done along the way. Really interesting!
“If I was in Canada, I wouldn’t have the same experience. Food is a big part of it. In Singapore, you have Chinese, Malaysians, Indians and they brought all these foods and cultures with them. Singapore is such a hub for these different cultures. I could go on and on but just from Singapore, you could experience different meals. If you don’t enjoy [the country] while doing something you like to do, then maybe you’re not meant to be there.”

“Why we’re the kids that fit nowhere – and everywhere”
Grazia Middle East
I’m going to give you the first paragraph of this article, because if you’re anything like me, this alone will be enough to whet your appetite for more!
“Omar Tom, Reem Hameed and Mohamad Akkaoui – the voices behind the thought-provoking podcast The Dukkan Show – call themselves neo-bedouins. And tracking the journeys that brought them to Dubai, it’s easy to see why. “Neo means new, and bedouins are travellers and nomadic by nature, so have never really been one culture,” Omar – aka OT – explains. For the record, OT is Sudanese in origin, spent his early years in the UAE, and “thinks and speaks in English as a first language, even though it’s meant to be Arabic.” OT is joined on the show by fellow third-culture cohorts Manilla-born Reem – a Filipino-Iraqi who grew up in Baghdad, Kuwait and Canada – and Akkaoui, who was born in Abu Dhabi to Lebanese parents.”

The Privilege of Drinking Tap Water
What Expats Can Do
An expat reflects on the privilege of safe drinking water, from her experiences living in places where it isn’t readily available.
“I am very grateful to my life abroad in tough countries for teaching me things I would not have understood otherwise. I am privileged to be able to drink tap water now, but I am also privileged to have gone through the experience of learning what it means to live day by day with no healthy and safe running water.”

Why “Third Culture” Online Therapists are Excellent with Cross-Cultural Clients
Kyler Shumway
Clinical Psychologist Daniela Tomer shares a little about her journey to offering online sessons for clients in other locations. This is a growing trend, and a huge help for many TCKs and expatriates.
“Most of the global nomad clients who choose to work online are doing so because they can’t find a professional who can speak their language in their location. It is very understandable, crossing cultures is complicated enough; so, seeking for the comfort of communicating in your mother tongue is very natural… I embraced the online technique as the primary modality in my practice as opposed to my former preference of “in-person” coaching. And, when occasionally people seem to be confused with my accent and I am asked about my mother tongue, I answer: “It is complicated…. How much time do you have?” If they insist, I say: “I speak four languages, but I am most comfortable in the common language of the third culture, the language of the ones that moved around.””

Investing in Traditions That Travel Well
A Life Overseas
Another great Jerry Jones post, this time talking about how to create family traditions that travel well. While written in the context of Christmas, this is a really important skill for all expat families to learn, at all times of year.
“Traditions, for the expat (and the repat), are one of the great opportunities for something solid in a life which is otherwise incessantly marked by change. Adaptation is required to be sure. Adjustment is essential. You can’t do this without some tweaks and twerks and modifications but rock solid traditions are worth the investment. My family needs that. I need that. So I’m investing in a solid set of traditions (holiday and otherwise) that can remain constant here, there or anywhwere.”

Home For Christmas
A Life Overseas
Another post from A Life Overseas, this one a lovely reflections on Christmas and home, from the mother of a culturally complicated family.
“The concept of home is even more complicated in our little family of four as we span three continents by birth and nationality. We are a confused, but contented bunch. This Christmas will be our American son’s first Christmas in a western country since age three as well his first in England. It will be our four year old Chinese daughter’s first Christmas ever… There is so much good to experience this Christmas in England. Then in the New Year we’ll come home to Indonesia, another not-quite-fully-home where we currently live. In all the travel, in all the places we’ve lived, we did find home. Our mixed up and meshed together hodgepodge of cultures and experiences created our own unique family culture.”

Three Must-Have Goals for Expats in the New Year
World Tree Coaching
Jodi unpacks some simple practices behind the process of making and reaching the goals we set for ourselves. She talks about presence, values, and self compassion. Really helpful reflections!
“If we simply start making a list of things we want to do, it’s always seemed to me that our intentions will fizzle by the time March rolls around. We may lack direction or a deeper understanding of the why behind the goals we’re setting. This is exacerbated by the unpredictability of expat life. One little glitch can lead us astray. That being said, there are some goals that are universal. There are habits and intentions that we can bring into our lives that are foundational to creating the everyday, practical goals we hope to bring about in the New Year.”

Gift Guide for Third Culture Kids, 2018
Djbouti Jones
And finally, a bit late for this year but something to keep in mind for graduating TCKs soon! And I was very touched to see Misunderstood on the list of recommended books to give you TCK.

Dear repatriating TCK

/ Tanya Crossman / 3 Comments

An updated version of this post has been published on tanyacrossman.com

**

Recently I received a message from an 11 year old TCK. I had spoken at their school and while we didn’t meet, they knew I was talking about TCK stuff and thought I might be able to help them. Soon they will repatriate – return to live in their passport country – after three years abroad. They wrote to me about their mixed feelings regarding the upcoming move, asking for my advice. I’ve decided to share my reply here because I am sure there are plenty of TCKs around the world feeling similar things right now. (To protect privacy I’ve changed the countries involved to my own – China (Beijing) and Australia.)

Dear repatriating TCK,

I’m so glad you wrote to me. The way you’re feeling is very normal – a lot of people have been in your position before. You’re right: going “home” after making a home for yourself in a new place is really tricky, and there are a lot of complicated feelings that go with it.

There is a special word for moving to your passport country when you’ve been living somewhere else: it’s called “repatriation”. Repatriation is particularly hard and painful. In fact, for hundreds of TCKs I’ve interviewed, it was the most difficult part of their international lives. That’s because the expectations are different. People in Australia might tell you “welcome home” which might hurt when Beijing also feels like home, and you’ve had to leave it behind. People might not understand how much it means to you. But you’ve spent more than a third of your living memory in Beijing – of course it’s important to you! In a lot of ways you aren’t going “back” at all – you’re starting again in a new place.

You described the process of transitioning to China – how at first you were really sad about everything you left behind, but then gradually this became a place of joy for you, a place you’re glued to. This is really good! It means you’ve been able to enjoy your life here. The process of moving to Australia is going to be similar. At the start it’s going to be really sad, because you now have so much in Beijing that you enjoy, and have to say goodbye to. It will hurt to lose these things.

The pain we feel at saying goodbye is a good sign – it means we love something, or someone. It’s much better to have a life full of love, even though that means it hurts to say goodbye, than to be all alone everywhere you go.

You asked for some advice on how to process all of this. The good news is you’re already doing one of the most important things: you are listening to your feelings. Sometimes our feelings seem too big and overwhelming, so we push them away and try to ignore them. This doesn’t get rid of the feelings – it just creates a bigger pile of them we’ll have to sort out later. Very few things in life are all good or all bad – and the same with this move to Australia. There will be some exciting and happy things, and there will be some sad and painful things. The most important thing you can do is keep feeling those feelings – keep sharing them. Write them down, tell someone about them, draw pictures or sing songs – anything that helps you bring those feelings out in the open.

The next piece of advice I have is to say goodbye well. Take time to think about and say goodbye to all the people and places that have meant something to you in these three years. Say “thank you” to everyone, and everything, that has made Beijing a good experience for you. Sometimes you might actually say this out loud, or write it in a goodbye card. Sometimes it will be enough to take time on your own to think about and be thankful for each thing. Make sure you visit your favourite places, and eat your favourite foods. When you do, remember how much they have meant to you. Take photos of “ordinary” things, so you can remember them later. A photo of your street, your favourite noodle shop, the view from your window – anything that holds memories.

My last piece of advice is about what to do when you get to Australia. You will probably miss Beijing (your friends, your school, your whole life!) for quite a while after you arrive. When that happens, don’t forget that it was the same when you arrived in Beijing. It’s totally normal to be sad about the things you’ve lost. You are going to have new experiences and make new friends living in Australia, but that doesn’t mean you stop being sad about the people you left behind. The goal, however, is to start making new connections in Australia, so you can start to feel joy there and glue yourself to this new life. You don’t have to forget Beijing, and the people who matter to you, but at the same time, make space for new people to become important to you. It won’t happen immediately, but eventually you’ll find yourself living a new life that also makes you happy.

There’s one other thing I want to say. You said you thought you preferred Australia over China, but now you’re not so sure. The thing about living in different places is that ALL those places matter to us. It can be hard to choose one over another. But you don’t have to – you are allowed to have space in your heart for more than one place. And it’s okay if the way you feel about each place changes over time. You might be “from” Australia, but you have lived in China as well, and that makes it an important place to you.

I hope this helps you as you get ready to leave. Please write back any time, with any questions you have.

Tanya

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