More recommended reading about TCKs and expat life. This week tackles a few emotionally difficult issues – grief, attachment, loneliness, and how our physical state affects our ability to cope. But there’s also some lighter pieces as well. Whether heavy or light, each of these posts has something helpful to speak into our expat and TCK lives.

When Do You Grieve? Pre, Post, or Present?
Djibouti Jones
Fantastic piece from Rachel looking at grief with a real and tangible example – her twins finishing high school and starting university, and the three countries involved in that process. She describes, with detail you can see and feel, goodbyes that were both hard and sweet. And then she brings it all together with the theory on pre/post grieving – how we each process grief differently.
“Knowing this about myself and my response has helped me not feel guilty for not crying in the dorm room. . .It also helps me understand my husband and our youngest, as we talk through how we are each doing. Helps us not compare our specific emotional states in time. Helps us not judge other parents. Helps us not judge ourselves. Helps us do the grieving so we can do the healing, too.”

Third Culture Kid Relationships: Attachment & Trauma
Life Story
Rachel does a fantastic job in this post of explaining how the Third Culture childhood experience involves “trauma with a little ‘t’” and the way this impacts TCKs as they mature into adults. She links to some articles on attachment theory to help further explain this. She writes, as always, with great compassion and understanding of the TCK experience, including the resistance many have to accept that their background involved some difficulties, and the reality that some ATCKs really struggle as a result.
“Your challenges are not simply the result of personal failings, but are instead normal responses to extraordinary circumstances. But where does this leave us? It leaves us in the uncomfortable position of inferring that certain elements of Third Culture Kid experiences as essentially traumatic. Traumatic because they interfere with the abilities of large portions of the TCK population to connect securely in their adult relationships. Of course, there is hope. Where we learnt self-blame, we can learn self-compassion…We can change behaviours learnt through painful experiences. Change is, after all, what we do best.”

7 Ways Traditions Foster a Healthy Expat Identity
World Tree Coaching
I love this post! One of the big tips I share with expat families about how to help their TCKs feel settled and get the most out of their international experiences is to work hard at creating traditions that stick, no matter where you are. In this post, Jodi gives a lot of great practical advice on how to do just that!
“We often think of the importance of traditions and rituals in the context of creating a home space or in building family unity, but for expats, there’s even more to it. When we move frequently from place to place, creating rituals, adhering to traditions and enjoying celebrations makes a globally mobile life more than just the transitions, baggage, and upheaval. It helps us define the very nature of who we are in the midst of those things. Traditions and rituals help us express ourselves fully in new spaces and remind us who we are in familiar ones. They can help us build community, learn new things about ourselves and create a sense of home no matter where we go.”

Physical Well-being and Cross-Cultural Adjustment
Communicating Across Boundaries
I shared this on social media already, but it bears sharing again! Marilyn talks about how “Physical well-being has a massive impact on our ability to adjust.” YES! Transition is hard. Transition when you’re unwell feels downright impossible. And often when we’re physically down we don’t have the energy to believe things will ever be different than they are in this moment. That’s when we need to read words like Marilyn’s.
“Suddenly I questioned everything. Why did I think I had the capacity to make an international move? Who was I kidding? I was no use to anybody in my passport country, let alone a new place, new people, new job, new language. . .You are not a failure. You are human, made of flesh and blood, cells and vessels. Sometimes you get sick. This happens in countries where you know the language perfectly, and in countries where you don’t know the language at all. Take extra time to rest and get well.”

Tips How to Raise Global Citizens and Travel More with Kids
Skimbaco
I’ve read posts with similar titles before, and found them trite or not terribly realisitc. This one is different! Katja explains how their family made travel a priority, and shares some tips on ways to stretch always limited time and money in order to prioritise travel as a family. Here’s one tip I found particularly interesting:
“Here’s another secret. Family travel doesn’t always have to mean the entire family travels together. We have a tradition in our family that says that each child receives a special day trip for their 10th birthday and an even more special trip for their 13th birthday. Of course we prefer to travel with the entire family, but by doing it this way we are able to offer special trips for each child.”

House Hunters International frustrates me. Here’s why.
The Expat Spouse
I was surprised by how much I appreciated this post. On the surface it might seem a bit silly – an expat’s perspective on a reality TV show. But there are some really good points! The disparity in the experience of “ordinary” things, like looking for suitable accommodation, in different places.
“Funny storylines aside, what frustrates me is that it’s fundamentally an unrealistic conversation. Why isn’t anyone concerned about the closest metro or walking distance to a grocery store? It’s like everyone forgets that they’ll have to shop for food everyday (because they won’t get an American-sized refrigerator). They all talk about wanting to explore Europe, so why don’t they look for a house close to transportation hubs? Why this isn’t part of the conversation. I struggle with understanding why tv programs can’t paint a more realistic picture of an international house hunt. I think it would help to better prepare current or potential expats in their very real relocation. It would also educate the audiences on the true complexities that we as expats face. I’m think I’m looking for more authenticity of what we all go through. What’s wrong with being more honest about the challenges we face?”

Lonely as an expat? Not anymore!
I Am Expat
An easy-read post with practical suggestions of how to handle the loneliness so many expats experience from time to time.
“Being an expat can be a lonely journey. You are immersed in a completely new culture with a different set of values and way of life, you meet different people, you don’t speak the language, you miss your friends and family, but most of all, connecting with the people around you is really hard (especially in the beginning). You have no idea where to start, how to approach people, and most of all, how long it will take until you feel at home. . .Like all painful experiences we endure, loneliness can also be the catalyst of a productive period in our life; a wonderful opportunity to start working on meaningful relationships and a chance to build the life you want.”

What’s it really like to move to a country where you don’t speak the language?
Absolutely Lucy
This piece reflects on the experience of moving to a place where you don’t speak the language – the challenges and the joys that go with it.
“It’s truly humbling to feel so vulnerable and to understand what people from communities around the world must go through every day. It can feel isolating and lonely at times…but the loneliness is also inspiring, it is pushing me to learn as much as I can, it makes me want to learn for all the kind, thoughtful German friends I have made, the ones who try so hard to include me. . .There will be struggles and there will be times when you feel like giving up and going home, but I feel that the more prepared you are for dealing with these, the more likely you are to stick it out and make it work.“

This week I have a rather eclectic mix of posts for you, with different windows on the experiences of expat and TCKs. Lots of emotions, raw experiences, and how to frame the things we go through.

Two Types of Cultural Adjustment
China Source
This short post explains that when we adjust to a new culture, we have to adjust both to the things that are strange to us, and also adjusting the things in ourselves that are strange to others! I also appreicate this explanation of adjustment as an ongoing process:
“I’ve always found this definition to be helpful because of its focus on cultural adjustment being a process, not an event. As long as you are residing in a different culture, you will be adjusting, whether that length of time is two weeks or twenty years. There will never be a point at which you say (in totality), “there, I’ve adjusted.” As long as you are there you will be encountering things that are different and that require you to adjust either the way you behave or the way you think.”

The thriving multicultural society of the UAE
Friday Magazine
A story about TCK best friends from different cultures. This is one of the fun parts of international life – meeting and learning from people of different backgrounds. For many TCKs this is a formative childhood experience that helps shape their understanding of the world. While the post overall has some peppy multicultural society success talk that I take with a large pinch of salt, the stories of these young TCK best friends is worth the read!
“The four pairs of cross-cultural BFFs (best friends forever) we spoke to echo this…their friendship’s most teachable moments were when they realised that different ethnic and racial backgrounds, parenting methods they were raised with, lifestyles and even religions didn’t alter the unalloyed truth that they shared core values of honesty, respect, familial bonds and charity…Their shared values balance out their complex equation and maintains the friendly chemistry that first sparked between them as eight-year-olds.”

Stupid Expat Days and How to Love Them
The Culture Blend
I’m not sure I’ve ever come across a Jerry Jones post I didn’t love. Somehow I managed not to share this one earlier – and I don’t want you to miss out! He talks about “Stupid Expat Days”- days that, as he says “expats have to live but normal people never do“. The sorts of crazy errands that just wouldn’t happen in your passport country, the hoops you have to jump because you aren’t a local – all those fun things. But as he talks through a recent particular Stupid Expat Day, Jerry begins to reframe the experience.
“Normal people don’t GET to do this stuff. It was a holiday not a waste of time. Special expat father and expat son bonding, just me and him…Loving Stupid Expat Days is not simply putting a happy stamp on the hard stuff and it runs far deeper than just “looking on the bright side”. It was a long, long, long day but we found the best bits and we chose to hang out there. I love passport days and my hope is that because I choose celebration, even in the context of the irritation my kids will too.”

Becoming Madame: Realities of an expat life
Expatica
In this lovely post an expat talks about the specific experience of landing in a new country “with a completely blank slate before you”. This is different to the family or individual who takes a work assignment for a few years, because there is a sense of attached purpose, and a sponsor organiation behind the move. The blank slate is more like my own story, and she gives really great advice to those considering, or starting out, with this sort of experience. Sense of purpose, starting in a new language, needing humility, discovering more of yourself. It’s hard to choose a single quote to share here! But I think this is really important:
“If you’re like me, you’ll know no one, not a single soul, when you walk off the plane. Periods of extreme loneliness are inevitable. The key is to get yourself out of your apartment and just keep going: get up each day, and get outside no matter how intimidating it is to walk into a world of confusing mumble-jumble all around you. Take baby steps, but just keep taking them.”

American Weirdness: Observations From an Expat
The Atlantic
This post hooked me in the first paragraph. How many expats have experienced that dazed shock, staring at the selections in a supermarket aisle after a long flight from Far Away? I had a panic attack one time. After that I learned to take a friend with me the first time I tried to go shopping after arriving!
“Sometimes it begins with the toothpaste. Whenever I go back to the United States from Europe, where I’ve lived for more than half my adult life, I’ll often find myself in a jet-lagged fog at a huge American drugstore staring at the toothpaste aisle. Why? I ask myself, or anyone who’s around. Why are there so many kinds of toothpaste?”

The Truth About Moving: Expat Anxiety…Insomnia and Ikea
Making Here Home
A touching post full of the raw feelings and experiences of starting again in a new place. The author is genuine and cheerful as she describes the inevitable problems and anxieties and lost things. And she concludes beautifully – with a reflection on what expat life gives, more than is lost.
“I just think it’s true that the first few days always feel awkward and stuff goes wrong. Like you arrive in Germany on a Sunday and all the shops are shut and you can’t buy any food. Or you get to your new house and accidentally set off the alarm and have to explain to the security company that you do live here, you just don’t know any of the alarm codes yet…it’s no wonder our minds go on overdrive – there are so many things to do, to remember, to sort out, to avoid. It’s hard. And on top of that, there’s the pressure that we feel like we should be enjoying it…It takes a lot of courage to step outside your comfort zone and make your home in a new country.”

Kosovo-Albanian pop artist Ilira talks debut single ‘Whisper My Name’ and the awkwardness of growing up as a ‘third culture kid’
MEAWW
This is an interview with a musician about her debut single. I noticed it because the artist is a TCK, and she mentions this in the interview. She describes music as a refuge she turned to to help her be herself in the midst of feeling misunderstood. I believe so very strongly in the power of the arts to help TCKs manage the stresses of international life, and process identity issues. Lovely to see this TCK sharing her experiences!
“As a third culture kid, I’ve often felt misplaced with people mocking me for my dreams and aspirations. Music has been my safe haven ever since. It created a space for me where I was able to break free and grow.”

The hardest question for a third culture kid: Where is home?
PRI
Finally – something different. A podcast! Okay, I know I’m late to the party on this one, but I recently started listening to PRI podcast The World In Words – and imagine my delight when I stumbled on an episode in which they talk to a TCK about her experiences! There’s an interview with Ruth van Reken, and mention of their call turning into a personal therapy session of sorts – which totally sounds like the ever lovely Ruth. She’s amazing!

Time for another addition of Recommended Reading! There are several posts from expats in this week’s collection, sharing their experiences abroad, and reflecting on issues of belonging and identity that affect anyone with a cross-cultural background.

The good, bad and frantic of raising kids overseas
Eternity
While this piece is specifically about missionary families raising kids overseas, there are some really good insights about parenting TCKs in general. This, for example:
“You can never be fully ‘present’ in your host country because at some level you’re always preparing your child to live in your passport country, either for home assignment, or for your eventual return. But then, you also aren’t parenting in your passport country so are influenced by your host country.”

TCKs and Education
Diary of a Desi TCK
Long but interesting post from a TCK (and school psychologist in training) talking about some of the difficulties of changing schools – and hints to help families do this well.
“I genuinely believe that being a TCK is one of my life’s biggest blessings (though sometimes I can see it as a curse, such as when I lose touch with friends due to the constant distance) and I think that any child who has lived a similar life is so lucky. Through our TCK lifestyle, we gain a unique and wonderful understanding of the world, one that I feel you can’t really get otherwise. You understand other cultures in ways that you can only if you experienced them for yourself. That said, sometimes certain things, such as TCK education (ie. the education of a TCK) can be negatively affected by this otherwise extraordinary lifestyle.”

Rania – Reflections on Place, Work, and Travel
Communicating Across Boundaries
Marilyn continues her beautiful writing as she reflects on building a new home in a new country. This short post is a lovely tribute to the beauty (and cost) of creating home again.
“I walk up the three flights of stairs to our apartment and unlock the door. I step inside and breathe a sigh of gratitude. No matter where you live, you need a home base. This is why the displacement and refugee crisis of our time is so important to care about. We are created for place. What happens to us when place is disrupted, creating fear and insecurity? This is the question trauma experts will be called on to answer for decades. This one bedroom apartment has quickly become our place and haven.”

Expat Parenting: Learning to Leave it All on the Stage…and Teaching our TCKs to do the Same
World Tree Coaching
This post talks about redeeming one of the trickier parts of life for expats who move frequently. Those transitions can be overwhelming! But they also give a freedom to try new things: “Something turns out not to be what you anticipated? Who cares! Next year it’s a clean slate – new home, new friends, new school.” Obviously it’s not that simple, and this isn’t about whitewashing difficult experiences. Instead, there’s an offer to think differently – to reframe an experience, and see what you can get out of it.
“I also reminded my son that it’s important to remember that sometimes things will hurt. You might feel embarrassed or regret a choice you make. Leaving it all on the stage is not about creating a myth that everything will work out fine, it’s about seeing that challenges are a normal part of our existence (no matter where we go) and that our lifestyle, in it’s extreme flexibility, offers the opportunity (and maybe even the anonymity) to recover faster when things don’t go your way. Leaving it all on the stage is the ultimate embrace of the inherent ambiguity and unpredictability of life – a reality that expats face over and over again, every day.”

The Joy of Life
The Black Expat
Interesting post introducing Martine Ngo Nlend Manga and her wide range of international experiences. I particularly love these reflections on balancing global life nad the need for a place to be ‘from’. This can be a struggle for TCKs – when you have a less clear sense of ‘from’ centred in place.
“Being a global citizen, at least for me, only works when you know where you are coming from. Because at some point, wherever you go, people ask you where you are from. And it can be complicated. . .Global citizen cannot be enough. Where can you go back to, if things get complicated? But I was born in Cameroon. There is a personal culture attached to it, even if I’ve had international experiences. No matter where I go, I will always be seen as Cameroonian, especially when encountering others from Africa. Even when welcomed with open arms, I’m from there. Sometimes it’s a good thing, sometimes it’s a bad thing. But it’s a part of my identity and in [some] people’s minds it won’t change. And it’s a good part of my identity.”

Why Swedes are Happier Than We Are: An American Perspective
Swedish Freak
This post is an interesting example of what I consider to be one of the biggest benefits of living overseas – gaining a perspective that helps you evaluate your own culture more objectively. In this case, an American expat compares aspects of life in her passport country to that in Sweden, where she now lives.
“This word is uniquely Swedish, and a direct translation does not exist in the English language, which is the best evidence of the purity of its genesis. Roughly translated, it means something akin to “not too much, not too little,” “sufficient” or “adequate”. For example, you can have a lagom number of meatballs, live in a lagom apartment and have your heating set at a lagom temperature. For me, this single word “lagom” encapsulates the entire Swedish socially-democratic philosophy on life: that everyone should have enough, but not too much (which is antithetical to the stereotypical American capitalist mindset).”

Living a meaningful life abroad: identifying your values
Intentional Expat
Nice post about how identifying and living our individual values helps up to make the most out of life – even in the midst of frustrated plans and everything else that goes along with international life.
“Values are unique to each and every individual. There are no right or wrong values. They are related to what you ultimately want your life to be about…being aware of our values allows us to enjoy the moment rather than being overly focused on completing our goals. Instead of being focused on arriving somewhere, we can also enjoy the journey. We don’t need to wait until we achieve our goal to start living a rich and meaningful life, we can find small ways to live in accordance with our values each and every day.”

Gidday, Ni Hao, Kia Ora……Can You Have More Than One Hometown?
Mint Mocha Musings
Nicole took a trip to her birth country, the first time she’d been there in 15 years, with family along for the ride. In the light of this, she reflects on the power of place to stir our memories and emotions:
“...memories are cued by the physical environment. When you visit a place you used to live, these cues can cause you to revert back to the person you were when you lived there…Does our birth place hold a piece of our heart, indefinitely?”

CurrencyFair Vs TransferWise | World’s Best Compared
iCompareFX
Another random finance-admin post, this time looking at two international transfer services that skip the banks (and their fees). I’ve used TransferWise before but CurrencyFair is new to me. This article does a good job breaking down and comparing the different aspects of each service. Helpful and interesting – for me at least!

While I have plans for some more “themed” recommended reading roundups, the past two weeks there’s been so much going on (both inside my head and out!) I just haven’t had time to focus on it. Instead, here’s a bit of a hodgepodge of some good TCK/expat related posts I’ve read lately!

Culture & Identity
Expatriate Specialist
This piece by Chris O’Shaughnessy includes a fun story illustrating both the diffculty of being between cultures, and the advantage of being able to switch! He uses this to lead into reflections on culture and identity, and how fluid identity can be, especially under the influence of multiple cultural lenses.
“Our identity is quite simply who we are… but it’s also who we’re not. In fact, the expat experience often highlights for us more of who we’re not than who we are… at least initially… I often think of identity as a zoom lens. By that I mean, I believe it’s a far more dynamic concept than people realize. If there were an incredibly powerful zoom lens on the moon and it zoomed in specifically on you – you would fill the frame. You are unique, and nobody is exactly like you if we zoom in that closely. Zoom out far enough though, and we could fit the whole planet in the frame. At this level, you are one of more than 7 billion other people, all on one planet. You have a lot in common on this level. I feel identity is a way of us deciding what different levels of zoom we’re going to concentrate on.”

Expat life: expectation vs reality when family come to visit
The Expat Mummy
Oh, the gap between expectation and reality – something we all struggle with in different areas of life! This reminded me of my now husband’s first visit to Australia to see me when we were dating long distance. I wanted to show him the best of beautiful Sydney, to show him my beloved homeland. I wanted it to be a perfect trip for him. But then he got a really nasty cold and it RAINED nonstop which is so un-Sydney and then when started to feel better I got a migraine… Definitely not what either of us had planned, and yet, in its own way, perfect. Lying around on the couch watching TV and reading books together was actually kinda lovely.
“The first hurdle was my own. My own expectations for what I wanted my family to experience their first time in Kenya was probably unrealistic. Grey skies and thunderous black clouds threatened to scupper my dreams of endless sunny days on white sand beaches. The rain never appeared and the skies cleared to perfection but my fretting at the weather was symptomatic of my feelings about the trip. I wanted everything to be perfect for the people I loved and worried too much that it wasn’t. My idea of perfection was unattainable but it didn’t stop me from wanting it…But in its own inimitable, frustrating, wonderful and utterly exhausting way, it was perfect.”

10 things author Karien van Ditzhuijzen would like her readers to know about her
Female First
A little insight into the life of one TCK and expat author, including the motivation between the story of her recent novel. I really enjoyed this one! And I think I’d like to read her book, too…
“When I moved to Singapore in 2012 I joined local NGO HOME that supports domestic workers. I wanted to learn more about what motivates women to leave their families behind to go overseas to take care of those of others. I learned so much about the difficulties they face; mental or physical abuse, no time off or getting their mobile phones confiscated. The brave women I met inspired the character of Aunty M, a domestic workers that joins a helpdesk helping many of her peers.”

I Could NEVER Live Abroad
Taking Route
A lovely vignette, about that common comment – when someone hears about your expat life and says wow, good for you, but “I could never do that”.
“Then I realize what’s really behind her words is fear. I think, She isn’t saying she couldn’t literally pack up her stuff and move abroad. She could, of course. What she’s telling me is this: She wouldn’t ever want to be challenged to live life so differently. She’s afraid. I get it. I don’t want to struggle to be understood, or try to find the new dentist’s office when I can’t read the street signs, or worry if my TCKs will ever look back and appreciate these experiences. I understand those fears, because I have them, too. I’ve just learned to operate despite them.”

Hard Like a Peach or Soft Like a Coconut?
Velvet Ashes
Reflections from a woman who began believing her culture did things “right” and slowly learned to understand and even adapt in some ways to the culture she lives in.
“When we moved overseas, I was a young mama strapped with loads of self-righteous opinions. Doesn’t everyone think their culture is the best and does things the right way? I’m sure we can all speak to the fact that actually, other countries and cultures do some things much better than our home culture.”

Slaying It
I Am A Triangle
A fun piece about the cultural quagmire that is SLANG!! I am pretty fluent in Mandarin C‌hinese but I still get so tripped up on slang! It changes so quickly, and there’s no textbook to teach you. But when it’s your native language in your native land? Still a minefield!
“We are a year and a half in to repatriation and still, I occasionally experience reverse culture shock. Having said that, I also realize that having pre-teenagers is a culture shock all on its own. Despite where you are living, there new words and abbreviations (and behaviors) to decipher… Perhaps learning to speak another language wasn’t so hard after all, I reflect, completely lost and exasperated in my native land…Some days, I would rather be back in German lessons instead of navigating the American-urban-landscape.”

Schools for expat’s children in Gulf nations
The New Nation
A short article, but raising an important issue: providing education for the children of low-income expatriate workers. In this case, it is the possibilty of Bangladeshi schools in Gulf States such as Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain and Oman.

The World’s Best Bank Accounts for International Travelers and Nomads
Nomad Gate
Not my normal sort of recommendation, but I found this write up of international-friendly banks quite helpful! It has recommended options for Europe, UK, US and Australia/New Zealand.