Recommended reading

Recommended reading: September 10th, 2018

/ Tanya Crossman / 2 Comments

While I have plans for some more “themed” recommended reading roundups, the past two weeks there’s been so much going on (both inside my head and out!) I just haven’t had time to focus on it. Instead, here’s a bit of a hodgepodge of some good TCK/expat related posts I’ve read lately!

Culture & Identity
Expatriate Specialist
This piece by Chris O’Shaughnessy includes a fun story illustrating both the diffculty of being between cultures, and the advantage of being able to switch! He uses this to lead into reflections on culture and identity, and how fluid identity can be, especially under the influence of multiple cultural lenses.
“Our identity is quite simply who we are… but it’s also who we’re not. In fact, the expat experience often highlights for us more of who we’re not than who we are… at least initially… I often think of identity as a zoom lens. By that I mean, I believe it’s a far more dynamic concept than people realize. If there were an incredibly powerful zoom lens on the moon and it zoomed in specifically on you – you would fill the frame. You are unique, and nobody is exactly like you if we zoom in that closely. Zoom out far enough though, and we could fit the whole planet in the frame. At this level, you are one of more than 7 billion other people, all on one planet. You have a lot in common on this level. I feel identity is a way of us deciding what different levels of zoom we’re going to concentrate on.”

Expat life: expectation vs reality when family come to visit
The Expat Mummy
Oh, the gap between expectation and reality – something we all struggle with in different areas of life! This reminded me of my now husband’s first visit to Australia to see me when we were dating long distance. I wanted to show him the best of beautiful Sydney, to show him my beloved homeland. I wanted it to be a perfect trip for him. But then he got a really nasty cold and it RAINED nonstop which is so un-Sydney and then when started to feel better I got a migraine… Definitely not what either of us had planned, and yet, in its own way, perfect. Lying around on the couch watching TV and reading books together was actually kinda lovely.
“The first hurdle was my own. My own expectations for what I wanted my family to experience their first time in Kenya was probably unrealistic. Grey skies and thunderous black clouds threatened to scupper my dreams of endless sunny days on white sand beaches. The rain never appeared and the skies cleared to perfection but my fretting at the weather was symptomatic of my feelings about the trip. I wanted everything to be perfect for the people I loved and worried too much that it wasn’t. My idea of perfection was unattainable but it didn’t stop me from wanting it…But in its own inimitable, frustrating, wonderful and utterly exhausting way, it was perfect.”

10 things author Karien van Ditzhuijzen would like her readers to know about her
Female First
A little insight into the life of one TCK and expat author, including the motivation between the story of her recent novel. I really enjoyed this one! And I think I’d like to read her book, too…
“When I moved to Singapore in 2012 I joined local NGO HOME that supports domestic workers. I wanted to learn more about what motivates women to leave their families behind to go overseas to take care of those of others. I learned so much about the difficulties they face; mental or physical abuse, no time off or getting their mobile phones confiscated. The brave women I met inspired the character of Aunty M, a domestic workers that joins a helpdesk helping many of her peers.”

I Could NEVER Live Abroad
Taking Route
A lovely vignette, about that common comment – when someone hears about your expat life and says wow, good for you, but “I could never do that”.
“Then I realize what’s really behind her words is fear. I think, She isn’t saying she couldn’t literally pack up her stuff and move abroad. She could, of course. What she’s telling me is this: She wouldn’t ever want to be challenged to live life so differently. She’s afraid. I get it. I don’t want to struggle to be understood, or try to find the new dentist’s office when I can’t read the street signs, or worry if my TCKs will ever look back and appreciate these experiences. I understand those fears, because I have them, too. I’ve just learned to operate despite them.”

Hard Like a Peach or Soft Like a Coconut?
Velvet Ashes
Reflections from a woman who began believing her culture did things “right” and slowly learned to understand and even adapt in some ways to the culture she lives in.
“When we moved overseas, I was a young mama strapped with loads of self-righteous opinions. Doesn’t everyone think their culture is the best and does things the right way? I’m sure we can all speak to the fact that actually, other countries and cultures do some things much better than our home culture.”

Slaying It
I Am A Triangle
A fun piece about the cultural quagmire that is SLANG!! I am pretty fluent in Mandarin C‌hinese but I still get so tripped up on slang! It changes so quickly, and there’s no textbook to teach you. But when it’s your native language in your native land? Still a minefield!
“We are a year and a half in to repatriation and still, I occasionally experience reverse culture shock. Having said that, I also realize that having pre-teenagers is a culture shock all on its own. Despite where you are living, there new words and abbreviations (and behaviors) to decipher… Perhaps learning to speak another language wasn’t so hard after all, I reflect, completely lost and exasperated in my native land…Some days, I would rather be back in German lessons instead of navigating the American-urban-landscape.”

Schools for expat’s children in Gulf nations
The New Nation
A short article, but raising an important issue: providing education for the children of low-income expatriate workers. In this case, it is the possibilty of Bangladeshi schools in Gulf States such as Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain and Oman.

The World’s Best Bank Accounts for International Travelers and Nomads
Nomad Gate
Not my normal sort of recommendation, but I found this write up of international-friendly banks quite helpful! It has recommended options for Europe, UK, US and Australia/New Zealand.

Recommended reading: September 3rd, 2018

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My latest collection of recommended posts about expatriate life and Third Culture Kids. This week includes topics such as transition, self care, identity, and ordinary expat life.

Dear Parents Launching Your Third Culture Kids
Djibouti Jones
A beautiful piece from the always lovely Rachel, this time describing the emotional storm of dropping her twin TCKs off at university – and leaving them there.
“You feel alone. You look at the other parents, the ones who live in the same city or the same state or the same country and you are jealous or angry or feeling protective. You think no one understands all the questions and losses and griefs and fears racing through your mind and heart. You’re confused because no one told you raising TCKs would end up here, would end up with you on the other side of the ocean finally appreciating what you’ve put your own parents through all these years abroad. No one told you this would be harder than moving abroad in the first place.”

Never just a curry
Jo Parfitt
I love this! Food is so powerful – a memory trigger, a comfort, and so relational. In this post, Jo traces her family’s history of curry, across countries and continents – to the excitement of a new discovery.
“For most of our 30 years of marriage, ask us what our favourite food is and we’d say Arabic without pausing for thought. But this week it hit me. It’s time we changed our answer – to Indian curry even though we have never lived there. I have not even visited. Curry has been a red thread through our lives abroad.”

Football, Children, and Culture: Not Just a Game
Multicultural Kid Blogs
In this post a mother of TCKs talks about creating memories for her sons that connect them to the country that formed her, a country they have not lived in. A lovely read.
“There are so many memories wrapped up in Watford football matches for me. And as I sit next to each of my sons on the terraces where those memories were made I am carefully unwrapping some of them and passing them to my sons for safe keeping. At the same time, my dad and I are making childhood memories for my sons – ones they will never forget. . . It’s hard for my children to imagine I had a life elsewhere before I ‘turned Dutch’. These trips are a small window into that life. They see the town I used to live in, they see a part of the life I had before I moved to the Netherlands and became their mother. They get a glimpse of the culture that has formed me, and them too.”

6 Essential Practices for Hard-to-Reach Stressors
World Tree Coaching
Another great post from Jodi, this time exploring background stress and what we can do about it. This all rings very true for me at the moment! Life overseas pretty much IS background stress. There are so many little things that are different or difficult, so many small uncertanties and stressors, and they all add up. Background stress is one of those things we slowly adjust to until we’re drowning and don’t quite know why. The self reflection required to keep on top of this, to recognise the background stress of life in a different setting, takes a lot of conscious effort.
“To deal with the challenges that hit at our egos, our values and our sense of purpose – it’s important to develop habits of self-reflection and insight. Taking the time to look more closely at who we are and how we fit in the world can be difficult. Sometimes the effort can feel daunting. We may not be sure we’ll like what we find there. On the other hand, deep down most of us know it’s important to do this type of inner work so that we can grow and develop into our full selves. One way to cultivate a more reflective state is to develop practices that naturally foster paying attention to our experiences. These skills can help us turn towards what’s going on inside and around us, giving us more information about the source of background stress.”

Staying Healthy Overseas: Emotional and Mental Wellness
Taking Route
This is another good post in the same vein – looking after ourselves well enough to not only get through life but actually enjoy it, expat bumps and all.
“It is easy to get burnt out while living overseas. I know that, you know that, but are we doing enough to make sure we don’t get burnt out? The answer for me is almost always “no.”…This article is not really a guide on how to do wellness overseas as much as it is a letter to myself to prioritize my emotional and mental wellness while living abroad.”

Redefining French Identity
The Parent Voice
This is a really interesting post – a story and reflections on identity, translated into English alongside the original French. Anissa talks about her experience of identity – two passports, from Canada and Tunisia, and being born in France but never having had French citizenship. She talks about the chameleon and the salamander as metaphors for changeable identity. For her the chameleon adapts by blending in, whereas the salamander cuts away pieces. She also talks about active vs passive – when I make the choice to adapt myself, rather than changing in response to the perceptions of others.

Simple pleasures: grocery shopping
Stories from Tanya
And finally, I’m sharing something from my other (more ordinary) blog, where I recently started writing again after a two year hiatus. I realised that this particular post is the sort of thing I would share as recommended reading if I read it elsewhere, so I figured I’d add it to the list this week! In it I deconstruct a trip to my local Chinese market, and why the experience was relaxing for me. It touches on transition, language, culture, and stopping to appreciate the lovely in ordinary life.
“I don’t like standing out as a stranger, but I don’t mind so much when it happens less randomly. If I’m interacting with someone for a separate reason, and they remark on my foreign-ness and command of Mandarin, that doesn’t irritate me. Most of the time, I enjoy these little interactions. The person is not encroaching on my existence, they are sharing it for the moment that we are involved in a task together. . .I succeeded in being a local member of my community, for a few minutes on a sunny Monday morning.“

Recommended reading: August 27th, 2018

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My latest collection of recommended reading – recent blog posts about TCKs and expatriate life I appreciated and commend to you.

Goodbye 250
Communicating Across Boundaries
With the gracious writing I now associate with Marilyn, she says farewell to something ordinary. This is an important skill when it comes to leaving well. Recognising that the ordinary, the mundane, is what makes up our lives! Routines happen when I do the same thing over and over – which means those ordinary things take up a lot of time and space in my life, over time. They become my life. Familiarity can be a sweet thing indeed, and one worth savouring, and deliberately farewelling.
“And today is my last work day. The last day that I sit in my cubicle, answer emails from my official email account, and answer the phone in my official capacity. Soon I will leave Boston and Cambridge. A plane will take me thousands of miles away to a small apartment on the other side of the world. I will leave a place I love to go to a place I have begun to love. Who is so fortunate? I ask myself this question every day. And when people ask me where I’m from, I will say with some pride, and no hesitation “I’m from Boston.” Those are sweet words indeed.”

The Countdown to Good-bye
Raising TCKs
Lovely piece by a mother preparing to drop her son off at boarding school, and processing the fear and grief that goes with that.
“For me my fear was losing my son to someone else. As soon as I wrote it out, peace broke through like a river (that song has never made sense to me until just now). And now I need to remind myself that I’m not losing my son. He’s just growing up. I can grieve that – but I also need to rejoice in the fact that he is growing up and becoming his own man.”

Pardon Me, Can You Point Me to the Toilet?
Wine and Cheese (Doodles)
Great post about the differences of dialect – the different vocabulary we use in different English-speaking countries, in this case. More than that, how repeated exposure changes the way you speak, and eventually, the way you think. I’ve experienced this myself – so many words jumbled in my head, and I know one is the Australian and another the American but stuffed if I know which is which!
“I think it’s because the auto-go-to for your brain alters. And not just for things like toilet vs. bathroom. It’s being overwhelmed in Target because of the sheer size and choice. It’s feeling strangled in the city of your heart because you’ve been outside of its embrace for too long. Its getting lost in places you should know, gone long enough that the breadcrumb trail has dried up and blown away, long enough that the muscle memory has atrophied and you panic you’re going need to use the GPS to find your way home.”

Third Culture Kids and Safe Places: Community
Life Story
Another great piece in this series (though I’m late in sharing it!) Here Rachel talks through a bit of why community matters, why we struggle to build it, and how to move forward. She covers the importance of choice, and investment – as well as the need for intimacy, to know ourselves well and “being willing to share that self with others“.

How to Explain Work Travel to Your Child
Shanghai Mamas
Business trips are a common feature of expat life for many families. This is a good little article with tips for dealing with work travel and kids – how to explain it, say goodbye, and connect while away.

Adapting to Change Can Be HARD
Thrive Global
Great little post on dealing with change (transition) and a few simple tips to keep in mind when it’s hard. Very similar to what I’ve written about change and transition before, and how in a season of transition we lose our “automatics”.
“If change happens so frequently, why is it so difficult? For one thing, humans are creatures of habit. Much of what we do daily – from putting on our clothes to driving a car – happens without us even thinking about it. Our brains don’t need to do a lot of work to carry out repetitive behaviors that have formed into habits – our unconscious brain takes over. But changing those routines is a different story. It requires focus and attention, and it makes our brain work overtime to adapt; we have to be intentional and make conscious choices.”

Finding Fun on the Field
Velvet Ashes
Fun story about finding fun in a cross cultural setting! I’ll admit I’m still struggling to find the fun/relaxation in my latest home. So this is a good reminder to me – and I hope to others as well!
“Fun is a short-term pleasure, with long-term effects. Maybe it’s reading a book in the hammock, or going out for a good coffee with a friend. It could be hosting a party, or walking along the beach at sunset. Having fun allows us to lift our eyes, even just for a moment, from the heavy toil we might be in and see a bigger picture.”

Recommended reading: August 20th, 2018

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My latest collection of recommended posts about expatriate life and Third Culture Kids – this week blending stories of practicalities and emotions.

Sentimental means “settled” and I don’t like that
TCK Training
In this lovely little piece Lauren reflects on receiving inherited furniture – and realising that, for the first time in her life, she owns physical objects she can’t pack into a suitcase. That’s a big deal for an ATCK! She comes to a work-in-process conclusion:
“I am learning to be content rooting myself for a while. Learning to invest in friendships and to plant trees – both of which need time settled in one place to see grow. . .I am learning to value the sentimental- even when it doesn’t fit in my suitcase.”

Too stupid to order ice cream in the US?
Share the Love
I love this little piece about buying ice cream, and the differences between doing so in the US and Europe. It’s a great illustration of the sorts of little things that change when one moves. Simple things like ice cream require adjustment and understanding! The sheer number of things that require thought in a new place can be overwhelming (something I’ve written about before).

Life’s humble hunt – part 1
Life’s humble hunt – part 2
The Black Expat
This series of two posts tells the story of TCK Adrienne, as she met and married the untravelled Terek, and embarked on overseas adventures together – eventually adding the complication of an MS diagnosis, and now raising their own TCKs in Malawi. I particularly appreciated this observation, about the nature of childhood (not knowing anything else) and recognising different values in the culture around you.
“Since our children are [young] they don’t know any different so they have nothing to compare it to. They don’t know what’s going on in the States or that they’re American. They’re really just free children. And I don’t know what to compare it to either, because they’re our only children and they were only eight months and twenty-one months when we moved. There are things we enjoy about being here that I think will help shape them into patient people. Our adrenaline rushes all the time as Americans. Or at least in my family. Here, the things that ordinarily would upset us, don’t upset someone. They just have a different type of calm. I’ve noticed that here in Africa. I’m hoping our children pick up on a lot of that.”

The Guilt Of Distance
I Am A Triangle
Living abroad comes with many advantages, but there is also a price to pay (something I’ve written about before). This is a post that opens up feeling many expats would rather leave closed away – the guilt of being away from people we love. This post discusses the pain and guilt of seeing parents age, from a distance. It raises questions the author has no answers for – questions which perhaps don’t have answers, or at least not easy ones. Sometimes it’s helpful to just sit with these feelings, whether or not answers come.

I am peculiar here, might as well embrace it
A Life Overseas
I love this post, with its quirky stories of being the ‘peculiar’ foreigner in a remote village. I love author Anisha’s desire to blend in, to be part of the community, and also her pragmatic acceptance that this will never completely happen in her situation. It’s an important balance, I think.
“I’d like to think I’ve got the hang of living here, but the reality is I probably truly understand about 20% of the cultural happenings around me. The society here is so complex, and I am so bizarre to them. . .Peculiarity is something I can embrace because it’s what I really am. Of course I am hopeful the longer I live here the more I’ll understand the intricacies of this culture. But why fool myself? Someone will probably always want to sneak a peek in my fridge.”

‘What’s up with that white voice?’: The tricky art of linguistic code-switching
Chicago Tribune
This article looks at “code switching” – adjusting the way one speaks – from a minority culture to majority culture manner of speech. Code switching is something quite familiar to many TCKs. I have heard many stories of sub-conscious code switching, and of this creating conflict with others who don’t understand why this happens. An interesting piece to better understand why we change ourselves to match others, and the toll this takes.

Do writers need a nationality?
Elsewhere: A Journal of Place
This is a really interesting read. Author Vesna Main reflects on what it means to be identified by nationality. A review of her work labelled her with her country of birth, although she has lived elsewhere for 40 years and writes in a different language. Her musings on belonging, and belonging rooted in something other than place, are fascinating.
“So, what is it, I wondered, that is supposed to make me a Croatian writer? What is it that makes most people insist on a label of nationality? Is it simply a shorthand to enable communication? Or is it an expression of a belief that everyone ought to belong to a nation and that those who do not are somehow morally deficient and untrustworthy?. . .My fellow nationals are other writers, some published, some toiling in patient obscurity. I have chosen to belong with them. And if you ask me whether I miss this country of writers on the days when life intervenes, yes, absolutely, I do. I am ‘normal’, after all.”

Recommended reading: August 13th, 2018

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This week’s recommended reading has an education focus. School is a huge part of any child’s life – and no less so for Third Culture Kids. Moving around the world into a new school – a new school system, with different expectations and perhaps even a different language – is a big challenge to overcome! It’s really important for those of us supporting and caring for TCKs (and their parents) to think about how education plays out in the lives of international families. This is a loose collection of recent articles discussing different elements of education – transition, language, culture, and alternative ways of learning.

Bilingualism and Homework, part 2
Expats since birth
This fantastic post was written by Ute Limacher-Riebold, who always has great tips for international families. She discusses something that comes up in a lot of international families: what to do when your children attend school in a language you aren’t fluent in? What is most valuable about this post, however, is the range of really great practical advice for parents in this situation. In particular, how to learn the language of study and exams, for both parents and students.
“What for a native speaker is “common sense” might not be for someone who speaks this language only at school (or at work for that matter…). Here are some sites where you can find an overview of recurrent terms that are used in English exams…”

How to cope with sending your child to a school that isn’t diverse
Multicultural Kid Blogs
This one isn’t about expat kids necessarily, but about parenting a child who is a minority in their school – something that can happen whether at home or abroad. There is great practical advice for parents here, on how to support a child through an experience that has the potential to be stressful.
“When your kids are in school, one of the most important things you can do every day is to talk to them. Sometimes simply asking how their day went is not enough. When your child is attending a school that isn’t diverse, it’s important to make sure they are having a good experience.”

4 Tips for a Stellar Start for International Children Starting a New School
Multicultural Kid Blogs
And now, by their powers combin: a post by Ute, published on Multicultural Kids! This piece has solid advice on ways to help kids transition into a new school in a new location. Includes a lot of reference links to additional material, too.
“If we have been through this kind of change before, we tend to assume that they [children] will all be fine (in time). I strongly advise not to do that. . .what was easy before might be an issue now. During a transition, our children tend not to make us worry and would do anything to see us happy.”

A Parents Guide to Changing Schools
Mixed Up Mama
This is about changing schools generally, but I found there was a lot in here that is valuable for international moves, too. From acknowledging the emotional difficulty for parents watching a child struggle with adjustment, to logistics. I particularly appreciated this piece of advice: “Consult with your children but don’t let them decide.” I talk to parents about this a lot in regards to the decision to move. It is great to consult your kids, but don’t pretend they’re really making the decision – you will decide whether to move or not, even if that decision is impacted by your child’s opinions. Be the parent, make the decision, and acknowledge to your child that that is the situation.
“Some of the reasons we couldn’t always share with her as they were about things she may not have always understood- long term vision, bigger picture as a family etc. Children think in terms of the short term and their immediate situation. We did share with her slowly some of the reasons but left it open for her to see some of the advantages herself as well. We talked with her at every step of the process getting her ready but ultimately it was our decision as parents.”

Why teachers shouldn’t be afraid of other languages being spoken in the classroom
The Conversation
Clare Cunningham discusses her research on alternative lanugages in the classroom, from the perspective of English-language education in the UK. She brings up several interesting points (and links to her research) about reasons teachers may prefer a monolingual classroom. One teacher “spoke about what she called “the inappropriateness of language” – claiming that children only use other languages when they want to be rude or exclude others.” This has certainly been an argument in some schools I’ve known who maintain an “English-only” school environment. A related argument is that allowing other languages excludes children who cannot participate in that language. Clare also notes promising changes as schools and teachers are “striving to overcome their worries about multilingual spaces and making excellent use of online resources for curriculum based work in a range of languages – as well as providing tailored teaching materials for children that need them.”

Supporting Education From The Outside In
LinkedIn 
This fantastic article links the power of art and storytelling to fostering emotional wellness in cross-cultural children. This is something I wrote about in Misunderstood, and is something others have tackled as well. Author Michelle is Board President for Cultured Kid, an organisation working on curriculum that uses art and storytelling to support CCKs in their identity struggles while simultaneously developing greater cultural undestanding and empathy in their mono-cultural peers. I am really excited by this concept and hope to hear more about it in the future!
“For the past year Cultured Kids has been working alongside education professionals, consultants, and students in public health and child development to tackle this single complex question: Is it possible to create a curriculum for schools that could support academic achievement in conjunction with promoting individual social emotional wellness within this sea of cultural complexity? We believe there is.”

Why Worldschooling?
The Black Expat
Interesting perspective on alternative schooling. Worldschooling uses the world around us to direct amd encourage learning. Author Karen and her partner are both trained teachers, and have used their experience along with a worldschooling mindset to educate their son while travelling abroad.

What is worldschooling?
World School Family Summit
With my interest piqued, I went and found this recent article describing worldschooling a little more, including descriptions of different ways this works for different families. In this post, TCKs are considered worldschoolers even when they attend traditional schools (international or local) as they are still outside their ‘home’ culture and its educational system.

Expat education and separated parents
Expat Child
This is a short article, more of an overview, and is based in the UK system. That said, it raising several really important questions regarding co-parenting an education, especially when an international move is part of the equation. For example:
“When a child attends school in another country there can be many decisions requiring a parent’s consent which can be difficult to obtain when the parents are abroad and more so if communications between separated parents are difficult.“

Recommended reading: August 6th, 2018

/ Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

My latest collection of recommended posts about expatriate life and Third Culture Kids.

Thoughts on Citizenship from Around the World
Velvet Ashes
Really interesting piece, which collects four vignettes from different women around the world reflecting on their experiences of citizenship – as affected by expatriate living, cross-cultural relationships, and adoption. I particularly like this little thought, which resonates with many conversations I’ve had during interviews:
“I was becoming part of the fabric of life here in a way that just sticking to my role would never have achieved. And isn’t that part of being a citizen? Beyond passports and visas, I realized I started to feel like a citizen of this place when I began to be invested beyond my little niche.”

The Labeling of Self
TCK Town
This is a fascinating, uncomfortable, important piece of reflection. It largely follows a conversation among a group of expatriates from various countries, as they negotiate ethnic labels and how they do or don’t self-identify, and who they do and don’t include in those identity umbrellas. It makes me stop and think. Something that international life has provoked for me is the way I have included people in umbrellas they don’t identify with, how easily I can make assumptions about others’ experiences. This piece sits in that discomfort, and invites readers to listen, and reflect on their own use of labels.
“We all came out of the park with our egos a little bruised and worse for wear. Instead of peeking into our sandwiches, we had spent the hour delving into conceptions and misconceptions of labeling our identities.”

Ex expats from NL: Dutch repatriates – how does it feel to be home?
Dutch News
An interesting piece on repatriates to the Netherlands, with quotes from several repats with different stories. They share different difficulties they’ve experienced, that will ring true with many expats/repats.
“People who’ve lived abroad for a long time, she explains, learn to look at the world from a different perspective. ‘You have seen a lot. That uproots you from your own country.’”

Phoenix Rising: Reflection on Expat Resilience and Health Crisis Abroad
I Am A Triangle
An interesting piece reflecting on a patient experiencing a health crisis while abroad. Carolyn uses one person’s experience as a springboard to consider the emotional resilience for expatriates generally. It is a longer piece, with several sections looking at different aspects of the experience of coping with this sort of situation. These include self-care, emotional support, multi-faceted healing, and adaptation.
“Normal emotional and stresses that come with illness or injury are compounded by his being so far from loved ones and by his difficulty communicating with healthcare personnel. He misses his three children and the normal routines they share together. Creating a support system doesn’t happen organically for him in this setting. The language barrier prevents the casual rapport-building that would normally take place between strangers brought together by a common denominator. He misses the simplicity of these types of human connections and consciously searches out other English-speakers within the hospital.”

Dear Dubai, Can We Please Part as Friends?
And Then We Moved To
Mariam pens a break-up letter to Dubai, her home of the past four years. It is sweet, thoughtful, emotional, and insightful. It starts like this:
“Dear Dubai, If you and I were in a relationship on Facebook, I’d choose the relationship status “it’s complicated.” You know it and I know it. We have had a love/hate relationship since day one, and four years later, its still messy to describe my feelings for you or the way I affectionately refer to you…”

Tips for Strengthening Families in Transition
Our Goodwin Journey
This post is written by a missionary and so there are a few assumptions from that perspective, but the general content is really helpful for all families experiencing transition. There are practical ideas, covering topics such as being proactive, dealing with emotions, and maintaining relational focus.
“For our family, we all sense the next transition and begin feeling the effects about 2 months prior to the move. We all feel the emotions building. We all experience the mixed mental challenges of being here and being there at the same time. So many decisions, goodbyes, frustrations, to-do lists and challenges come into play each day through a cross cultural move. Stress rises, tensions escalate and tears flow. Random meltdowns for kids and parents alike are normal for families in transition…But what can we all do to help families in transition get through the moving season in healthy, good ways?”

The Expat Blues
The Expat Mummy
One “trailing spouse” wife and mother reflects on the depression and purposelessness that can strike after moving to a(nother) new location. She knows the right things to do, sees the progress on paper, yet struggles with identity. This post doesn’t offer a lot of answers, but offers validation of the struggle. I really appreciate that.
“So why mock that ever so helpful list, after all the tried and tested remedy for loneliness is the same the world over and it’s not wrong. My problem with the list is that we aren’t always looking for advice, sometimes what a trailing spouse needs is recognition.”

Recommended reading: July 30th, 2018

/ Tanya Crossman / 2 Comments

Last week’s recommended reading had a TCK perspective theme – a collection of posts written by TCKs reflecting on their experiences. I’m continuing that theme this week, although this week I’m also including some posts about TCKs, written by those who care about them.

On Welcoming the Third Culture Kid
A Life Overseas
Fabulous post by the always wonderful Marilyn, offering lists of DOs and DON’Ts for how to support Third Culture Kids walking through repatriation. There is so much gold here! For example,
DO: “Let them talk about their past. They have left so much, let them talk about what they have left.”
DON’T: “Put a time limit on their adjustment and their grieving. We are all different. We grow and adjust at different rates. So don’t put time limits on the TCK. Allow them room even as you continue to love and challenge them.”

Third Culture Kid Diaries: Connecting with Locals and Making Friends
Restless Feet Adventures
This is a great post by a Taiwanese TCK sharing four tips for how to build relationships. Her reflections come two years into repatriation, and includes that perennial TCK problem – why is it so much harder to make friends at ‘home’ when I did it just fine elsewhere? Now – back to her four ways to connect with others, anywhere: shared experiences, similar interests, pop culture, and mutual friends.
“I realized I let my focus on the fact that I didn’t grow up in Taiwan overshadow all the other ways I made friends in the past…Sometimes I have to remind myself to go out and socialize with people because I’m so comfortable and enjoy doing things alone. But building and maintaining relationships is important to me so I just have to keep reminding myself to go out and do it!”

A high-school reunion, international style
Monday Morning Emails
In this post Terry reflects on the reunion of six high school friends – living in different countries, holding different citizenships – including her son. It’s a great piece! Here’s a taste:
“As I listened to a conversation that straddled countries as easily as ‘hopping on that plane’, it confirmed that despite the obvious challenges of a global life, it fosters engaged global citizens. We can be proud of this. As parents we often question this overseas life and the impact that it has on our children.”

Finding common ground in Minnesota
TCK Town
One TCK shares about her friendship with another TCK. For me, this piece is about showing grace in the face of racism. By that I don’t mean staying silent – not at all! – but I mean not letting those negative experiences steal the possibility of good experiences. Being the best version of yourself, even when treated unjustly. Taking the first step to build connections with others, even when they wouldn’t do that for you.
“I’m so thankful for this friendship and all it has taught me. Without Samiya I would not know how amazing Somali tea is, I would not know the traditions of Ramadan or that Syria has some of the nicest people you will ever meet. There is joy in loving people who are different than you. If we can learn to love those who are different than us, we could see how rich and flavorful our lives can be.”

Continental Drift
Expitterpattica
A very sweet poem from an expat mum to her TCK children, as they approach a(nother) international move. It is a beautiful piece, and I’ll share a few lines from it with you here:
You don’t want to change, you don’t want to go,
you want to stay put, I know, my love, I know,
It’s OKAY to feel worried or nervous or fearful,
I feel all those things too and saying goodbye still makes me tearful,
But we have to let go, step into the unknown,
I promise Life will unfold and you’ll never be alone,

It’s that time of the year again… ‘Moving Season’
Little Miss Expat
One TCK interviews a good friend who moved a year ago. Some lovely responses here reflecting on both the positives and negatives of moving to a new international location. What I most appreciate, however, is the way she encourages “stayers” like herself to both recognise the difficult of the leaving season for themselves, but also to aim to support “leavers” well.
“Overall, I think it’s just super important to remember that life is what you make of it, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control the way that you deal with it and what you make of the situation. People moving away is one of those situations which is sad, but also exciting as it’s the start of a new adventure for the person moving. And as the friend staying behind, you also have to support your friend with this new chapter in their life. Don’t view moving as something bad, shift your focus, and see it as the start of something exciting and different.”

Itchy feet
Third Culture Queer
I really appreciate this perspective, from a queer TCK who looks at the intersection of those two identities. This short post considers the “ichy feet” syndrome familiar to many internationals, but with the extra layer of difficulty that comes with a queer identity. I especially appreciate the conclusion, which holds truth for us all – both going and staying are choices, and both hold some sort of risk:
“Being gay is illegal in many countries, and only a handful of places are vaguely okay on the whole trans and non-binary thing. Do I want to live somewhere I would not be able to be myself, where I would have to hide? . . .Whatever I decide, it is a risk. A risk I will have to censor myself. A risk I stay here stuck in a rut. A risk I don’t take control of my own life. But each risk has its payoffs, and I need to decide which I want to go for.”

Recommended reading: July 23rd, 2018

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This week’s recommended reading has a special theme: TCK perspectives. All the posts I’m recommending this week were written by TCKs reflecting on their experiences – as missionary kids, military kids, diplomatic kids, from and in various countries. I haven’t written much by way of  “summaries” of each piece. Instead I strongly recommend you go and read them. Most are short, and the power of first-person narratives is worth the extra clicks – I promise.

Growing Up Behind a Brick Wall
Global Nomads World
Alexa writes about living in a diplomatic compound in Russia. She paints a vivid picture of childhood experiences that draws you into her world there. She concludes by describing the strange experience of returning later:
“…the true essence of the place is never-changing. . .And yet not a single thing is the same – except for that essence. No one recognizes you. It’s like coming back home after college but instead of all your family friends saying, “it’s nice to see you!” they say “it’s nice to meet you.””

Little Soldier
TCK Town
In this poignant piece, “Military Brat” Shannon reflects on her understanding of and relationship to her mother’s profession as a soldier. She also says something I’ve heard from lots of different TCKs, not just military kids: “I had to be on my best behavior for my parents’ sake. This kind of responsibility makes every member of the community feel like part of a team.”

A Third Culture Kid’s Soul
This is Katha: thoughts of a traveling mind
Katha writes about the tension of wanting to go-explore-encounter, but also to stay and be rooted at home.
“Two souls rage inside of me. Telling me to go. Begging me to return and stay. . .I leave pieces of myself behind whenever I have to say goodbye. And then I travel to find them again.”

Free Verse: human mess
Embassy Kid
This is a lovely short poem about a mix of cultures in a single life and the tension that creates.

What is Going Home?
My Island Journeys
This post starting with a prompt about “going home”. What follows is a lovely set of memories around an IKEA, and learning to hold onto and let go of “home” in different places.
“For me, going home was permission. Permission to concretely remember a place, and therefore to concretely admit that I’d left it. Permission to grow up, now that I had clear memories of the place that I’d left in a fog of grown-up-too-soon grief.”

Life as a ‘Third Culture Kid’
The Gryphon
This is an older piece, but valuable for including short perspectives from four young women, each with (different) European passports. One of many standout quotes:
“I feel obliged to identify as a Belgian, given my nationality. However, having just lived in Belgium for a year and a half, I don’t feel that’s completely accurate.”

A TCK’s Struggle with Depression
TCK Training
Aneurin talks about his struggle with depression, and how this struggle has interacted with his TCK experiences. Of particular note is the way he describes swinging from feeling his TCK experience was all good, to all bad. It’s much harder to exist in the shades of grey between extremes, but such an important skill to learn for long term emotional health.
“I now know that mental illnesses are common like a cold. I also know that TCK’s are more prone than monocultural people to suffer from them. These illnesses are often our body’s response to traumatic events. . .I think being a TCK is amazing, but it needs to be done well. There are many challenges that need to be navigated, things like the challenges of transition or unresolved grief. We are a remarkably resilient people group, but we always need to get help from others, particularly when it comes to mental illnesses.”

Home and Rootlessness – TCK Art Gallery
Noggy Bloggy
Finally, this post is from Aneurin’s regular blog, and introduces a TCK Art Gallery. The post showcases three pieces picked out by Michele Phoenix as particular favourites of hers. The gallery itself features a wide range of visual art, photography, and also poetry. Lots of beautiful work worthy of time and reflection.

Recommended Reading: July 16th, 2018

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Welcome to this week’s edition of Recommended Reading! I don’t have a particular theme for this week. Instead, here’s a collection of posts I’ve read recently that I feel have something of value to offer expat and TCK communities around the world.

A Letter to the Stayers
Aylssa Cowell
I love this! We absolutely need to recognise the impact of STAYING in transient communities. Whenever I do transition seminars with students in international schools I ask how many times people have moved, how many schools they’ve attended – but I also ask how many close friends they’ve watched move away. Every time I ask that questions there are students who refuse to answer – too many to count. It’s a real and deeply difficult experience, and one that is often overlooked.
“We don’t really talk about the emotional hardship, of the loss felt by those who stay. We know it is hard for those who leave. But for those who stay some of you will have lost 4, 5, 6, 7… countless people who were close to you. The school is the same but it’s not really the same. . .Look out for each other out there – if you are lucky enough to have your friends stay – look out for those who don’t. Invite them to sit with you. Say hello in the corridors. Ask them if they are okay. Our words are powerful and you should never underestimate the impact of a small gesture.”

I Think It Is Okay to be an Alien
Velvet Ashes
What happens when you stand out in every situation, everywhere you’ve lived, your whole life? What happens when they places you consider home consider you an alien? Erika writes about making peace with her alien status. But I think what I appreciated most was how she so adroitly summed up the “misunderstood” feeling that undergirds much of my book:
“As a third culture kid, I tried on many identities. Like most of my MK friends, I went through a “proud Canadian” phase, through a phase of “I’m from all of North America” and a “nothing but Mexican” phase. None of them worked. I found I could relate to people from all of these places, but none of them — not even family — could relate to all of me. And that made me alien.“

My top tip for parenting through transition
Meet Jesus at uni
I was so touched by this piece! One mother articulates the guilt and struggle of seeing her young children wrestling to find a way through transition – again. “I do things to help them through transitions…Those things help, but they do not fix anything.” But then she remembers – “the normal initial adjustment period for humans after trauma or significant change is 6-8 weeks“. The best thing she can do is keep remembering that it’s going to get better – to relax and be patient and kind to herself and her kids as they adjust yet again. (Sounds like something I said recently!)
“This happens every time we do a transition. Between 4 and 6 weeks, things come to a head and I panic as I hurt for my little boys and the mama guilt overwhelms me. I wonder if the crisis versions of my sons are simply who they are now. But if I can remember that 8 weeks is our usual adjustment time, and if I can tolerate it until then, my little ones start to know themselves again. I just have to hang in there with them. And be ready to do it all again in the not-too-distant future.”

How Having A Name That No One Can Pronounce Taught Me Who I Really Am
Huffington Post
In last week’s recommended reading I included a piece in which the author reflected on wrestling with identity through her name – how it defined and separated her, especially when peers could not pronounce it. This piece shares a similar story: “I’ve always felt like a part of me was lost in translation. My name, so beautiful in my parents’ native Tamil, doesn’t quite fit my flattened American accent.” I really appreciate the telling of how her frustration shifted from one object to another over time. She ends by acknowledging the stress while embracing the different influences that make her who she is – name and all:
“Today, I still get a little shy before I introduce my name. I still stress out about the logistics.. But now, I️ understand that I’m not Indian or American, but both. I might be a product of my ancestors, but I am also the speaker of my own name“.

The New 11 Commandments of Relocating Overseas
International School Community
Good piece with solid advice for those who will be relocating abroad. There’s a lot of overlap with things I suggest in my Six Tips for a Good Transition. One piece of advice from this post I particularly appreciated was the suggestion of combining old and new – mixing new experiences with familiar comforts. What a great approach! “try to combine an appreciation of new cuisine and dishes with some of your old dietary staples.” My summary of these “11 commandments” is as follows: Be positive, be flexible, be teachable, be lighthearted, be understanding. Expect the adjustment to take a long time. Look for encouragement and comfort – both here and there. Lean on supports.

Forbidden Roots
A Life Overseas
I was deeply touched by this piece which boldly faces the problem that comes with putting down roots in an adopted home: one day, I will have to leave the place I have made my home.
“I am not a citizen, or even an immigrant. My passport is still American blue; Tanzania is not my country…Yet the thought of leaving someday fills me with an intense grief, knowing that it will tear away part of my being. Not just a loss of place, but a loss of who I am. The experience has become real life. Which is a good thing, of course. It’s what every expat should want to attain. But it’s also a tragic thing. It’s like coming to the realization that I’ve fallen in love with something that I can’t keep. ”

Dig Deep and Shine On
I Am A Triangle
A hopeful and encouraging post about the ongoing need to build relationships when you live a life full of transition.
“Eighteen months into my repatriation and new home, new perspective washes over me…I’m in a new place, making new friends (some are international friends) and loving new experiences. AND, it’s taken eighteen months! Over these past months to learn, grow and dig deep, I’ve made friends, added life experiences, and taken several trips. . .One of my people secrets is say “hello” to anyone within three feet of me. Some will return the “hello” and some may not. My personally coined mantra: people are faces until they’re your friends.”

Sri Lankan expat enchanted by Ramadan in UAE
Gulf News
And finally, a little piece I appreciated, in which a Sri Lankan expat reflects on his first Ramadan in the UAE. Going from a muslim minority culture to a muslim majority culture made it a very different experience for him: “It gives a sense of togetherness as everyone becomes part of our fasting, iftar and suhour.”

Recommended Reading: July 9th, 2018

/ Tanya Crossman / 1 Comment

Welcome to this week’s edition of Recommended Reading! I don’t have a particular theme for this week. Instead, here’s a collection of posts I’ve read recently that I feel have something of value to offer expat and TCK communities around the world.

10 Alternatives to ‘Where are you from?’
Multicultural Kid Blogs
I love this!! “Where are you from?” is one of those questions that just roll of our tongues when we meet people. It’s not an easy question, for a lot of expats, and especially for TCKs. Yet it still takes effort to rewire our brains (and mouths!) to ask different questions. Also, I’ve found when I take the initiative to ask different questions, I get asked those sorts of questions in return. And I find them much easier to answer myself! I’ll add my own favourite to this list: “Where were you living before this?” It has a concrete answers, rather than a subjective one, while still offering an invitation to share some of their story.

But What’s So Different about Being an Expat Family, Anyway?
Velvet Ashes
Yet another helpful reflection from Rachel as her TCKs prepare to leave for university in their passport country. Her daughter wonders aloud how her life is different to that of peers in her passport country. What I love most is that while Rachel expresses some of the differences she sees, she also knows she can’t answer this question for her kids. She rests on the values their family holds close, and trusts that her kids will work it out as they live and grow.
“I can’t explain to my twins how their childhood has affected them. They’ll need to discover the answer to that question on their own. I couldn’t begin to articulate one. I have ideas, but sometimes the only way to answer our deep questions is to experience a contrast, to set our question and our experience against something new, opposing, different.”

Expat Homesickness – 3 Ways to Deal with it and Heal from it
Talaera Thoughts
This is a great post in which Stephanie reflects openly on her experience of culture shock, homesickness, and resulting depression. (And reminded me a little of my own post on expat homesickness.) She gives some great advice. I was particularly touched by the gentleness of her first point – to be your own parent. By this she means to speak kind and comforting words over yourself. This is so important!
“My mom would never tell me to just “suck it up”! She would give me permission to feel sad and depressed. This is a crucial step because I need to allow myself the feeling before I ever stand a chance of extracting myself from the pain. . .If your mom was mean, be a kind and gentle version of your mom because she is what you need right now.”

See, Say, Spell, Repeat
Mudroom
What do you do when you feel caught between cultures, and your name reflects one of those cultures strongly? Prasanta discusses her journey of identity and what’s in a name.
“I was raised in the U.S., but you aren’t sure of that by looking at me. . . since we think and speak alike, I wondered if it would help to have a name that does sound like you. I thought it would be taking down a barrier — a big one — between us. I couldn’t change my skin color, which was Big Barrier #1. But, I could change this. Maybe it would make a difference. Maybe it would make it easier for you to talk to me. And admittedly, I wanted to make it easier for myself as well.”

Territory and Third Culture Kids – Building our Safe Places
Life Story
Rachel was advised to keep her cat inside for a month after moving before letting her outside in order to help her with the transition. Rachel expands this concept to wonder how taking the time to fix ourselves in a place might give TCKs (and other global nomads) a sense of security so many seem to lack. Such a fascinating idea!
“It is only because Jack knew her own home so well, that she was able to return to it safely at the end of the day. It was only because she’d spent so much time in it that she was able to feel it as her safe place. . .having home to run to is precisely what made out there safe to explore. . .Safe places are shelters. Shelters are, by nature, boundaried in some way. There is an out there and an in here. We use them to retreat from the elements, and their borders give us rest.”

Expat reunions are a thing of wonder
The Expat Partner’s Survival Guide
A lovely post on the unique beauty (and deep emotion) of expat reunions. When you have the opportunity to spend time with someone who lived that part of your life with you, who knows those places and people, who you don’t have to explain those things to – wow. What a blessing!
“Saying goodbye is hard because you really have no idea when, or if, you will see them again. But when you do – and I do believe the ones that are really important to you will pop up again sooner or later – you instantly connect again over the experiences that only you shared. . .As we move on with our lives, the memories of our expat days fade. But friendships will often out-last those memories and when we get together the years fall away and we are back living together in those distant lands.”

Travel Is No Cure for the Mind
Medium
This post is a modern adaptation of Seneca’s letter to Lucilius about travel. The main point is that novelty gives way to routine no matter where we are; the solution is not a new place, but a new mindset. I found it helpful in a few ways. When people ask about your “exciting” or “exotic” life, it can help to explain that actually, you live an ordinary routine just like them, only in a different place. Also, the mindset advice is so key to enjoying life abroad – especially for those who weren’t too keen on making a particular move. Gratitude and curiosity are powerful tools!